UNICYCLE GANG TERRORIZES L.A.!

LOS ANGELES –  This gang-riddled city has a new group of toughs to worry about – The Unicycle Gang!

This gang might sound ridiculous, but these unicycle-riding punks have been implicated in over 375 muggings. They have been running a vast “protection racket” that has extorted close to $10 million from computer, electronics and phone stores, in the past six months alone.

The gang claims 495 members who tend to run in packs of three to five. They prey on the weak and defenseless – people who also describe themselves as “nerds” or “geeks.” They are extremely skilled at riding their unicycles.

“These nerd bikers are a new kind of criminal, that’s for sure,” said gang expert John Cloggins, who advises police departments nationwide on gangs and gang-related problems. “They ride faster than motorcycle gangs and victims never see them coming, or going.”

Cloggins added, “They are hard to get a handle on because you don’t expect a nerdy type to strong-arm anybody for anything.  And after many months of investigation, we’re still trying to build a psychological profile to explain what makes them tick.

“We do know they manipulate their victims psychologically. Most people don’t know how to deal with people on unicycles. And if push comes to shove, they rely on highly specialized martial arts techniques that allow them to turn a victim’s own strength against himself.

“Some Los Angelenos find biker nerds are comical,” he added.  “But when you take a look at the statistics, or talk to their victims, you’ll find very little to laugh about.”

THE ORIGINS OF THE ONE-WHEELED GANG

Biker nerds came to the attention of police when the owner of a computer store complained that four thugs on unicycles had threatened to “ruin his business and his life” if he didn’t give them a percentage of his profits each week.

Officers have yet to make an arrest in the case.  But their investigation has uncovered what the LAPD has labeled “the great uni threat.”

Said one detective:  “These one-wheeled terrors are beginning to dominate gang activity in L.A. They are very talented on their wheel,” he said. “These bikers also have the brains to invest the proceeds of their crimes, which creates enormous wealth and gives them tremendous power.

“These people aren’t extorting and robbing people for the fun of it. They have a plan and unless I miss my guess, they are rapidly accomplishing their goals.” 

Mugging Victim: Sally McBowley

IT”S ALL ABOUT RESPECT

In one of the few interviews biker nerds have granted, three men, who identify themselves as “Crapplet,” “Troll” and “Blob,” denied participating in any criminal activity. They insisted that their only mission “is the preservation of the “uni way of life.”

“We’ve been pushed around and ridiculed our lives,” explained Blob. “People love to make fun of guys on unicycles. But those days are over!

“By banding together, we are making a statement. We’re telling the world that nerds who ride unicycles deserve respect.

“If people don’t want to respect us, we’ll make them respect us. That’s what nerd bikers are all about.

2 thoughts on “UNICYCLE GANG TERRORIZES L.A.!”

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.