THE GOVERNMENT FEARS A SECRET ATTACK.
CIA spy satellite photos reveal that the Chinese have been secretly digging the world’s largest underground tunnel – to the U.S.!
“What has us concerned,” says CIA spokesperson Steven Thorley, “is that Chinese are hiding their true intentions. The Chinese keep reassuring us that they are constructing the tunnel as a shortcut for trade. They tell us that the tariffs the Trump Administration imposed on them forced them to do it. However, our intelligence points to a potential underground attack on America.”
THE CHINESE RESPONSE
The Chinese vehemently deny this. “I swear on Buddha, on my mother’s eyes, and on the homemade eggrolls of my sacred grandmother, that we have no plans to attack the U.S.,” swears China Tunnel Project president Dung Fat Yip.
“We love America. Donald Trump. Apple pie. Baseball. Adam Levine. Lady Gaga. You love our restaurants and our laundries. Hey guys, it’s us. Your friends. It’s all good. Ou not worry. We come in peace.”
Still, the warning signs of massive and deadly Chinese attacks are undeniable, according to the CIA. This evidence includes the fact that the tunnel workers are all soldiers in China’s People’s Liberation Army. The size of the army has tripled within the past. Year. Their army recruiting posters say,” Join the Army, Build a Tunnel, and Kill Americans.” President Xi Jinping’s campaign promise was “By 2020, Chill will own America.” And China’s most popular reality TV show is “Who Wants to Invade America?”
PREPARATIONS BEING MADE BY THE UNITED STATES
The Pentagon is not taking any of this lightly. General Oscar Sanchez reveals that military satellites are using high-tech infra-red photo beams to track the progress of the tunnel. “If at any moment, we find that the Chinese are about to launch an attack,” warns Sanchez, “we will be ready. Our precision laser-directed neutron bombs will destroy the entire tunnel instantly, blasting those chop suey eaters back to Beijing before they can say “Mushu chicken!”
This is not the first time the Chinese have attempted to invade a country while claiming to have honorable intentions. In 1971, they offered Canada a giant carved wooden panda bear. Canada almost accepted the gift. But then they discovered that 500 highly trained Chinese commandos were concealed inside, much like the Trojan wooden horse. The Chinese commandos planned to pop out and take over the Canadian government.
Again, in 2003, those crafty Chinese booked Tokyo’s National Convention Arena for a weekend Conference on Chinese-Japanese Trade Agreements. When 100 buses of “convention delegates” arrived, they were all wearing gas masks and carrying bazookas. They were screaming that the city was now under Chinese control. Fortunately, the Japanese had been tipped off in advance and were prepared to overcome and arrest the “delegates.”
General Sanchez says, “If the Chinese are planning an invasion, we’d like them to know that the U.S. is fully able and willing to decimate their entire race within fifteen seconds. Nothing personal. We can build a wall AND we can plug a tunnel – no problem!”
