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DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: FACEBOOK STALKING


The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..

Dude Dating with J-Train: Facebook Stalking

Q. My buddy introduced me to his coworker. She was cute and we had your standard introduction but nothing too much more. I’ve obviously checked her out on Facebook, googled her, and asked my friend about her “deal”. What’s the line where casually checking someone out becomes stalking? Do I “friend” her on Facebook? Should I “poke” her? Is it weird to message her? – Niles Crane, Seattle, WA

Don’t ever “poke” someone unless it’s with a stick and they’re homeless and you’re checking to see if their still alive because they haven’t moved from their pool of blood in a few days (that is verbatim from the Emily Post Book of Etiquette). And please do not message her before you’ve had a real conversation – what would you even say? “Hey, I’ve been masturbating to this one picture for weeks and now I’m looking for some more material”? “Friending” her is barely acceptable behavior, but only under the circumstance that you won’t get a chance to see her very often and you have a totally sweet Facebook profile (you know; photos with your shirt off, doing keg stands, eating the meat of a lion while it’s still alive and you’re riding it like a bucking bronco) – you’re keeping the door barely cracked here, but it’s something. The best thing, however, is to stay totally cool, and see her when you see her. One introduction and an immediate friend-request can be a little much; let an interest grow and see where it takes you. Let me ask you something: let’s say you wanted to buy a stereo, but not just any stereo…the best stereo; the kind of stereo you could maybe use for the rest of your life. Would you buy the one where the salesman is desperate for you to buy? Where he keeps lowering the price? Where he keeps badgering you to take the stereo? Would you feel good about that purchase? Or would you rather buy the stereo down the street, where the salesman told you, “this is the best stereo money can buy, take it or leave it,” and then left you alone? Which of these scenarios would inspire more confidence in your purchase? If you do not understand this metaphor, I’m saying that she is the buyer, you are the salesman, and your penis is the stereo. So, yeah, ease up on the Facebook.  It may not necessarily be stalking, but you’re not exactly inspiring confidence in your buyer…about your penis, which is also a stereo. Think about it.
Q. I’m checking out my Ex on Facebook and there are pictures of her with the new guy she’s dating. I’m struggling with it to be honest. I mean, come on! She has to know I’m looking! This is just obnoxious. How do I handle this? – Bud Bundy, Chicago, IL

Welcome to 2011, where you can no longer assume that your ex-girlfriend is doing worse off without you. As a matter of fact, you just got done looking at her Facebook album titled “Sex in the Swiss Alps” where she is actually having sex, on camera, with her new boyfriend on the actual Swiss Alps surrounded by sheep like they’re the friggin’ Von Trapp family and his abs are glistening and for a second, you’re like, “Am I gay?” But after you shake off your sexual identity crisis, and realize you’ve never seen her arch her back like that, you masturbate slowly and sadly, trying to concentrate on her ample breasts, but you find your eyes wandering to those abs cut from granite; and when you finish, you are left with only your tears, and the thought that, “Wow, that Facebook album title was not tongue in cheek at all – they actually were having sex on the Swiss Alps” and how the only remotely interesting thing you’ve done in the last year is get drunk at a water park…alone.

As Dick Tracy used to say: tough break, kid. This is the world that we live in now. We made a deal with the Devil that said we get to check out girls we want to date on the Internet in exchange for a front row seat to her sex life for the rest of eternity. But here’s some advice for the future: block her and go live your life. If you can’t do that, at least know that the more she posts, the more insecure she is about the actual fun she’s having. One thing you can be absolutely sure of in this life is the more they talk about it the less they believe it. Or at least you can tell yourself that. Or you can tell yourself that you’re happy she’s found her happiness and then go move on, because you know that one person does not make another person whole and that you can’t possibly be happy in a relationship if you’re not happy on your own and there’s plenty of fish in the sea and all that.
But, seriously, the Swiss Alps?!

You’re Welcome,

Train.

 

 

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5