SENATOR PROMISES “NO MORE VOODOO”

WASHINGTON, D. C. – Sen. Bill Waverly confused a crowd of supporters when he pledged “the phase-out of all voodoo rituals  in the hallowed halls of the U.S. Senate.”

In an impassioned 90-minute speech delivered yesterday at a public park, Sen. Waverly (D-AZ) railed against the “crushing yoke of hex-driven politics” and promised an end to the practice of needling sacred dolls to gain traction with controversial bills.

“It is time we spoke clearly to those who do not wish to hear: Chanting rhythmically while holding a doll’s feet over a candle after it has been blessed by a witch and recreated in the likeness of an enemy has no place in federal American politics,” said Senator Waverly, to scattered applause and widespread murmuring.

Although aides attempted to draw him away from the mike at the 25-minute mark, the Senator refused to vacate the stage or alter the course of his remarks.

“The people of Arizona have shown their faith in me,” he said.  “It is my responsibility to assure that the issues most important to my constituents are not clouded by the questionable invocation of zombies in public affairs, or the feverish worship of snakes.”

The crowd of supporters who greeted the Senator with enthusiasm found their excitement waning as the speech wore on.  Most stopped cheering or even applauding after a few minutes; some wandered off in a dazed state a while after that; a very few watched in morbid curiosity for the duration.

“It was like a car wreck between a clown car and the Keystone Cops,” said Jim Harper, a bus driver and onetime canvasser for the 2006 Waverly campaign.  “Too horrible to laugh, too funny to cry.”

Senator Waverly seemed undaunted by the crowd’s reaction, keeping his tone steady and assured for the length of the speech.

“No longer will Papa Limba steer the ship of state!” he said in a rousing, perplexing finale.  “No longer will the benefaction of Marie Laveau consume the attention of legislators!  I promise you transparency in the ritual sacrifices of all members of Congress!  I promise you a new beginning, one where ritual beads and smoke inhalation do not guide the decisions of your elected representatives!  I promise you no more voodoo!”