With Hurricane Sandy set to destroy the Jersey Shore, Governor Chris Christie ordered all stupid people arrested.
A year after telling New Jersey residents to “Get the hell off the beach” as Hurricane Irene approached, Gov. Chris Christie has a new message for people on the coastline: “I am going to arrest all the stupid people in New Jersey. We can’t risk them harming anybody else during the hurricane.”
Hurricane Sandy is poised to make a direct hit on New Jersey, Gov. Chris Christie issued the typically blunt warning to those who he thinks “are morons or imbeciles” – those that think they should ride out the storm.
This was the first guy arrested by New Jersey State Troopers:
And this was the first woman arrested:
Governor Christie said that most “stupid people in New Jersey” live at the Jersey Shore and “for some stupid reason, they think they can survive a hurricane with just a six-pack of beer and spray tan.”
Christie, who famously urged New Jersey residents last year to “get the hell off the beach” as Hurricane Irene approached, urged residents of the state’s narrow barrier islands to move to higher ground. He predicted the storm would come ashore somewhere between Toms River and Atlantic City. In preparation for the storm, he said he would personally be eating a “whole chicken and two cows” just in case he would be away from food during the hurricane.
Christie has had a War on Stupid People since he came into office. A source close to Christie said that the Governor would prefer to round-up all the stupid people in New Jersey and bus them out to Minnesota or some other “cold, blue state.”
In other news, Chris Christie announced that he is going on Nutella diet.
“I think this one’s going to do us in,” said Marc Pinotta, owner of a bait and tackle shop on an inlet to the ocean in Point Pleasant Beach. He used the same wood he boarded up the store with in past storms to secure it this time, crossing out the names of hurricanes Isaac and Irene and spray-painting “Sandy” next to them. Marc then put a pair of boxers on his head and danced into the surf.
“I got a call from a friend of mine from Florida last night who said, ‘Marc: Get out! If it’s not the storm, it’ll be the aftermath. People are going to be fighting in the streets over gasoline and food,” he said. “But I don’t listen to people in Florida, because they are retards.”
New Jersey residents: For tips on how to prepare, he directed residents to the state Office of Emergency Management’s Hurricane Survival Guide at http://www.ready.nj.gov/plan/hurricanes.html.
Residents can receive messages from the state police by sending a text message with their zip code to 888777. Online registration is also available at www.nixle.com.
The state office of Emergency Management has information on its website at www.ready.nj.gov, on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/READYNEWJERSEY, and Twitter via @NJOEM2010. Residents can sign up for the office’s email and text alerts at www.njalert.gov.