WASHINGTON – The U.S. government is reportedly mandating that all American school kids eat pink slime.
The company that sells ground beef treated with ammonia proclaims their meat mixture is good for America’s schoolchildren, even though parents across the country are seriously questioning the safety of what has been dubbed “pink slime.”
Beef Products Inc. (BPI) made the declaration about its “lean finely textured beef” or LFTB over the weekend to The Daily, which broke the news that the federal government plans to buy ground beef that contains 7 million pounds of the product in the coming year. After the report, “pink slime” became the most searched topic on the internet.
The U.S. Depart of Health and the USDA stepped in and they reportedly investigated the pink slime. “We found that the pink slime is actually some of the best food we’ve every analyzed. We are recommending that all students eat pink slime every day of the school year,” said a source in the government.
The USDA reportedly feels that the pink slime will help kids grow stronger, taller and make them smarter and more focused.
Pink slime accomplishes three important goals on behalf of millions of kids,” said a spokesperson for the pink slime industry. “It improves the nutritional profile, increases the safety of the products and meets the budget parameters that allow the school lunch program to feed kids nationwide every day.”
The USDA reportedly said that extracting beef remnants from fat and trimmings, where pathogens such as e. coli and salmonella are found in markedly higher concentrations, is a cost-effective way to increase overall yields — shaving an estimated three cents off the cost of making a pound of ground beef.
Children are getting used to the pink slime and were excited to learn that Pink Slop, made from the intestines of pigs, was going to be served in the near future as well.
Michelle Obama has approved the pink slime. “If kids eat the slime every day, it will help them to lose weight,” said a source close to the East Wing.
“Yeah, they’ll lose weight, they’ll be in the bathroom all day,” said one livid parent, Jenny Lement who is refusing to allow her daughter to eat pink slime. WWN can report that Ms. Lement was arrested on charges of child endangerment.
Pink Slime for all!