NEW YORK CITY, NY – A somber press conference was held yesterday evening where sharks protested their depiction on Discover Channel’s shark week. At a rented press room in the midtown Hilton several sharks spoke to their world about their frustration, and their dignity.
Below is an excerpt from their statement.
“Again summer arrived and again Discovery Channel begins its campaign of lies. Every year we sit and watch as the parade of intolerance known as Shark Week drops poo into our mental feeding ground. Our species is already demonized in the media as mindless, soulless killers. In their desperate bid for ratings Shark Week perpetuates stereotypes that lead to 500 extra shark deaths every year.
“This year we say No More! This year we stand up to the lies and misinformation being spread in the chase of the almighty dollar. We have come here to the surface, risking out lives and holding our breath, to make our voices heard. Our ancient culture is being degraded by this channel and it has to stop.
“Their sensationalized programming leads to a drastic increase in hate-based crimes against sharks every year.  Over 500 lives are lost in violent unnecessary deaths.  Hundreds more are assaulted.  And these are just the crimes that are being reported.  Who knows how many sharks are being abused but suffer in silence.
“Did you know that like whales we communicate through shark-song?  Did you know that our native language has over 200 words for blood?  No.  Discovery Channel probably didn’t tell you that.  They only tell you about teeth and eating.  When was the last time you saw a positive representation of sharks in the media?  When was the last time a noble shark saved the day and got the girl by eating all the bad stuff nobody else would?
“Discovery Channel, and those like them, are only telling you half the story.  For your children’s sake, for all our sakes, we must to reject this for the sensationalized bigoted fiction that it is!  No more deaths!  No more hate!  No more Shark Week!”
The protestors, all wearing Brooks Brothers suits, then became so excited that they ate the reporters in the first two rows.  Discovery Channel has yet to comment on the allegations of racial profiling against sharks in their summer lineup.

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