There’s a bizarre scene that has New Englanders both terrified and oddly sympathetic. The legendary Godzilla has been immobilized by one of the worst blizzards to slam Massachusetts in decades.
The 400-foot-tall atomic reptile, last seen rampaging through Tokyo, reportedly surfaced off Cape Cod last week. He was drawn by reports of “really big seafood.” But as he lumbered inland toward Boston for what locals described as “a quick snack and maybe some chowder,” the skies opened up. A historic nor’easter dumped over three feet of snow in under 24 hours.
THE ATTEMPT
Eyewitnesses say Godzilla initially powered through the drifts like a living snowplow. His dorsal spines glowing blue as he atomic-breathed a path along I-93. “He was melting everything in sight,” said trucker Mike O’Brien from his stranded rig. “Then the wind hit 60 mph, and it was game over.”
By midnight, the King of the Monsters was stuck solid. His tail was buried under a 20-foot snowbank near Fenway Park. His legs were frozen knee-deep in ice. And his trademark roar was reduced to chattering teeth. Satellite images show his massive form half-submerged, looking more like a giant icicle-covered dinosaur statue than a city-destroying behemoth.
Local officials scrambled. The National Guard tried flamethrowers to thaw him out. but Godzilla just sneezed radioactive frost and grumbled, “Too cold… need warmer waters.” Environmental groups quickly protested any “forced relocation,” arguing the monster was now a victim of climate weirdness.
THE HELP
Residents have taken to leaving giant buckets of hot seafood chowder near his snout in hopes of coaxing him free. One viral video shows a brave (or foolish) group of college kids building a massive snow ramp labeled “EXIT TO OCEAN” with traffic cones.
As of press time, Godzilla remains lodged, occasionally venting steam that creates eerie aurora-like effects over the Charles River. Meteorologists warn the storm could last days. This leaves experts to wonder: Has the ultimate destroyer finally met his match in a humble Massachusetts winter?
