Hello all you Dotti fans, thanks for all the love, it melts even this old B’s heart. Now, shut
up!
Unless you have an inquiry about your love life, your in-laws, or your vampire ex.
editor@weeklyworldnews.com
THE EX-VAMP PROBLEM
Dear Dotti,
My ex is a vampire that won’t stop sucking me dry. I went to my school’s blood
drive and he had already donated all the blood they needed! Meanwhile, they
couldn’t even find my veins! The nurse said she couldn’t believe I was still alive.
I’ve been wearing turtlenecks to hide the marks on my neck but I live in Florida
and prom is coming. How will anyone even give me a chance with him hanging
around with his teeth out all the time?
— Signed, I-Thought-It-Was-A-Hickey
Dear He Sucks,
Honey, we all get one of those in this life, and probably the next. You’re gonna have to
grow some teeth in that sweet mouth of yours and roar back like all the women before
you. Vampires like an easy mark and a long neck. Fight back and he’ll find a weaker
one to sink his suck into. Just show her this column before she follows him to college.
Ugh.
–Dotti
SCOOPIN’ ELVIS
Dear Dotti,
My mom says Elvis is alive and working in an ice-cream parlor, once a man found
a mini-mermaid inside his tuna fish sandwich and it’s only a matter of time until a
boy who is somehow also a bat will end the war in Iran since he fought in every
war and found Saddam Hussein. When I told her that’s crazy talk, she told me it
was all in print in an actual newspapers she read waiting in line at the grocery
store with my grandma in the 1900’s. Was the world really that different then?
––Signed, Is-This- Dementia?
Dear Lucky-Spawn,
Your mother is a wise siren of the truth and should be believed, whatever it costs you. If
we know what’s good for us, we’ll hand the reins of this ridiculous world before us over
to Bat Boy without delay. He’s the only one who can save us from ourselves!
––Dotti
THE SACRIFICE
Dear Dotti,
The headmaster at the exclusive private school in our neighborhood says he can
guarantee our children admission if we sacrifice just one of them at his altar-of-
smug. He says the child will live but become insufferable to all. We have three
children, so we could do this and comfortably have two that are still pleasant to
be around. What should we do?
— signed, Ivy-League-Hopefuls
Dear Fools,
I can’t stop you from sacrificing one to save them all, but I warn you now, smugness has
a way of spreading between children, especially those that attend an exclusive
academy run by a demi-god. So, if you want a lifetime of wishing your kids were decent
human beings instead of boring elitists who can’t do their own laundry, then line up little
Whittaker for the altar. Just be sure to kiss your sweet boy good-bye before he scolds
the cleaning lady for missing the crease in his prep-school uniform.
––Dotti
Till next week, donate blood, stay in school and fight vampires, mmmkay?
