The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover..
Q. I went to my holiday party for work last night and got so wasted I barely remember the solo dance party I had on one of the tables (Someone texted me a photo – my dress had a Jager stain on the front…Oh man, I hope it was Jager). What do I do? – Patti Mayonnaise, Bluffington, IA
Keep drinking. You need to go to work drunk for the next week – except each day be less drunk than the last. Yes, by Friday you will feel more anxious then after a trip to Tijuana but you need to soften the blow of your antics by dragging it out. All things become OK if you stick to them long enough without apology, like your racist Grandpa. I’ve seen WAY too many people dance on a table at a Christmas party, make out with a wall for 20 minutes, and then show up the next day coiffed like Hilary Clinton in her finest pant suit asking for the latest TPR reports – Ridiculous. You need to bathe in it for at least a week, embrace the celebrity you’ve become; even throw some off color comment to your boss like: “Hey your bulge looks great”. Now you’re little Christmas Party adventure isn’t so much of a shock – and less of a talking point.
Q. I’ve been dating a girl for about 6 months I feel like it’s too early to get her a gift. Right? – Cody Lambert, Milwaukee, WI
You’re absolutely right, except that she bought YOUR Christmas gift 4 months ago. Or you could just get a card and write: “These past six months have been a gift.” Then buy yourself a six-month supply of tissues because that’s the only soft thing your penis is going to touch for a while (get the tissues with the lanolin).
You need to get her a gift – 6 months is absolutely long enough. If you’re having trouble, think of one conversation you’ve had and get a gift that can be connected to that conversation. For example, she said she loves to see Christmas lights; drive her out to a botanical garden with a light show and buy her a nice dinner in the area. Very studly, no matter how bad the gift is because it shows you were paying attention. If you can’t remember any of your conversations and you don’t feel like breaking up with her right then and there, get her a big framed black and white photo of the city you live in; write on the card: “Now, you and I can “people-watch” from your couch”. All girls tell their guy that they love people watching and think no one else says this (I also like to people watch – if those people are two dudes in a steel cage trying to kill each other)
Or just get her some scarves. Girls love scarves.
Q. It’s tough to be sexual during the holidays with all of the food, bloating and family hanging around. How do I heat things up with my guy? – Topanga Lawrence, Philadelphia, PA
Tell your guy that you want to do something kinky in the holiday spirit, tell him you want to be his “HO HO HO”. Tell him you want to have “Sweater Sex”. Open all of the windows in the bedroom, put on long underwear and big fluffy sweaters. Then make love through the hole. Now you’ve held each other close without being naked – this means no man-boobs or sweating chicken grease after the holiday festivities. You both get off (hopefully) and you will finally know what it’s like to bang a beanbag chair.
I know this isn’t sexy but you made it sexy by saying the word “kinky”. Guys are dumb; all we need to know is that we are doing something out of the ordinary and that you’re into it. You could have said: ‘Lets do something kinky like drink hot cocoa and clean the kitchen,’ and he’ll be rock hard before you even reach for the Windex (though hot cocoa always gets me hard…and marshmallows make me climax).
Q. I’m Jewish and I’ve been dating a girl that celebrates Christmas. I’ve been invited to something called a “Christmas Dinner”. Will I be eaten? – Kyle Broflovski, South Park, CO
Yes. But first they will fake an interest in Judaism and then condescendingly tell YOU about the meaning of YOUR rituals since, you know, ‘JC was a Jew.’ Try your best not to show them your horns.