NEW YORK, NY – Merrill Lynch’s CEO John Thain is leaving the firm, amid furor over his purchase of a yeti skin rug with company funds.
Thain was the last chairman and CEO of Merrill Lynch before the recent merge with Bank of America. At a time when he was to be saving the company from bankruptcy, recent documents have revealed that Thain blew $1.22 million of tax dollar bailout money on refurnishing his office.
The most egregious offense appears to be an $87,000 rug bought for the redecoration. Critics immediately pounced on the purchase, questioning where such an expensive rug could have come from.
Weekly World News has discovered that the rug is in fact the head and skin of a Nepalese yeti. Sightings of the creature are extremely rare, but the capturing and killing of one is almost unheard of. Records show that Thain flew out to Bhutan, Nepal to personally buy the rug from a renowned local sherpa, Girija Shah.
Bank of America Chief Executive Kenneth Lewis spoke out on the incident: “We have been entrusted with the American people’s tax dollars in order to bring around this crisis, and we failed them. Mr. Thain’s extravagant purchases are the epitome of what we have been trying to avoid. Bank of America wishes to apologize to the country’s citizens for this oversight, and wishes to reiterate our dedication to responsible spending.
“We also wish to apologize to any conversation groups that took offense. We do not in any way condone the killing and displaying of an endangered, er… animal? creature?” A Bank of America spokesperson whispered into Lewis’ ear, and he continued, “An endangered cryptid. We will be donating money to the World Cryptid Federation in the yeti’s honor.”