WASHINGTON – The Center for Education Policy has released the results of a study that proves conclusively that farting raises IQ levels in boys.
Boys have lagged behind girls in school for 20 years. Jerry Jefferson, The Director of the Center for Education Policy, said that “alarm bells” went off and the Center decided to explore every aspect of boys’ lives “to see what could possibly increase their IQ and their interest in school.” The answer: farting.
“”Books suck,” said Matt Kingston, a 12-year-old who only reads what he has to for school. “All boys know that.” He then popped off a nuclear fart, which impressed his parents and teachers alike. Grossology expert, Amelia Yunker of Farmington Hills, Michigan said that “the only way to get boys to learn these days is to talk to them in Fart-ese.” Yunker recently hosted a Fart Party that also included an armpit noise competition. “If we can get the boys farting and belching, we can get their math and reading scores up,” Yunker said.
Jerry Jefferson said “we are also getting boys to read by releasing books in the Fart Lit genre.” Recently the self-published book, “SweetFarts” by Raymond Bean is a big hit in New York City, where kids simply like to read about farts. SweetFarts chronicles a 9-year-old boy’s multimillion-dollar science fair invention of tablets that can change foul-smelling gas into the culprit’s scent of choice: summer rose, cotton candy, grape — even pickles, as requested by his little sister. It climbed to No. 3 on Amazon in children’s humor in October on little more than word of mouth. The sequel, “Sweet Farts: Rippin’ it Old-School,” to be released next month”
Boys outside New York City don’t like to read about farting, they like to do it, and that makes all the difference. “Reading about farting has some benefits, but if you are actually out there farting all day, that’s what really helps the boys.” Boys across America are now being encouraged to fart as much as they can, wherever they can and to tell as many fart jokes as possible.
“It may get loud, it may get smelly, but the education of our American boys is at stake. I think we can finally get American boys on par with Chinese boys,” Jefferson said. “Parents must take this seriously. Teach your boys to fart!”
The Department of Education has released these instructions for boys to practice their farting:
How to fart on command:
1) Get a pillow and a soft surface.
2) Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways.
3) Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anus.
4) Once you’re relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation…this is air traveling into your colon.
5) Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down.
6) Force the air back out… Fart!
Specific farts have been targeted for academic excellence. The Department of Education recommends that boys master these farts for these academic disciplines.
SILENT BUT DEADLY – FOR FUTURE POLITICIANS
This fart is totally inaudible, yet causes major damage. Good for boys interested in politics..
EGGY FART – FOR FUTURE SCIENTISTS
Smells very much like rotten eggs (hydrogen sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to knock people out.
NIKE FART – FOR FUTURE STUDENT-ATHLETES
This sort of fart which goes “whoosh,” and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and less toxic.
GROWLING FART – FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day.
THE IS-IT-A-FART FART – FOR FUTURE PSYCHOLOGISTS
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. Then, it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants Is it a fart or not?
COMPOST FART – FOR FUTURE BOTANISTS
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
BEEFY ONE – FOR FUTURE LAWYERS
Loud, big, bold. Smells like an infected cow and or a mound of diseased dog-turd.
SQUEAKY FART – FOR FUTURE ACCOUNTANTS
Sounds like ‘Wheeek’. It’s weak, but deadly.
THE EARTHQUAKE FART – FOR FUTURE GEOLOGISTS
Sends seismic ripples across the city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart hurts and anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
THE ESCAPE POD FART – FOR FUTURE ASTRONAUTS
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs, but smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, everyone starts to cough and splutter.
HYDRATED FLATULATION – FOR FUTURE MARINE BIOLOGISTS
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this one, but you feel right at home in it.
GUNSHOT FART – FOR FUTURE MILITARY OFFICERS
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. Tough. Strong and exceedingly rare.
So boys, go out there and… let it rip!!