DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: SEXTING

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Sexting

Q. Mr. Train, I loved your column about the cell phone,  but you didn’t get into the most difficult part about sending a text message. What are your rules for SEXTING?? I’m completely lost and thought you may be able to help. – Nat Bussichio, Beverly Hills, CA

Nat, Sexting is tough. Real tough. Like maybe as tough as having actual sex, except you don’t have to curl your sleeping body around the wet spot after you’re done.

Webster’s (the short black kid) Dick-tionary of Dating defines Sexting as the following:

Sext \‘sekst\ (V): The act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs (i.e. dick, balls, boobies) to another person; done primarily between mobile phones after several cocktails…alone

So the question is this: how do we get our partner’s blood pumping without the Sexts getting so ridiculous that you end up as the butt of his/her jokes? (I mean that quite literally) Lets go through some Do’s and Don’t’s:

Do…
…shorten your words as much as possible (i.e. you = u; know = kno; this is my cock = TIMC). You want to look like a guy who has time to Sext, but also needs more time to Sext other people. That’s why Prince titled his songs this way; he was too busy bedding chicks to be bothered to spell stuff out. Subtly suggest that she’s not the only one getting an iPhone screen full of manhood – create a sense of urgency and she’ll want you even more.

Don’t…
…send emoticons. I know you gals love your smiley-faces, but for men, they’re little yellow discs of emasculation. Using an emoticon after a Sext is the visual equivalent of asking for a lollipop and a pony. Creepy. Unless you know of an emoticon that can pleasure a woman through the screen, then don’t use it. (If such an emoticon does exist, my email and twitter handle can be found at the bottom of the page.)

Do…
…work the angles. If you are going to send genitalia pictures (and why aren’t you?) then take that photo from below, Orson Welles. If there is anything we have learned from the career of Tom Cruise, it’s that camera angles make a big difference. Maybe you could even scrounge up a wide-angle lens for the shoot. You’re going for a certain aura here; more specifically, the aura of ‘huge.’ And hopefully, when the time comes for actual intercourse, the myth will have already overtaken the reality.

Don’t…
…show anything above the neck in a Sext. What I’m saying is, less Kanye; more Favre. Understand that everyone will see this. And I mean everyone. Your own mother will be squinting at her computer screen, wondering if you used a wide-angle lens. Eventually, these things always leak out, so plausible deniability is everything.

Do…
…have the texts lead to somewhere. I cannot understand those people that keep Sexting and Sexting without any actual physical contact. Yes, we live in an increasingly virtual world but shouldn’t the purpose of the virtual world be to enhance the actual world? The endgame of Sexting should be a date, a rendezvous, a port-a-john at the construction site across the street. Sexting is not sex, it’s barely even foreplay – it should be a means to an end, not the actual end. I’m talking to you, guy-I-work-with – and, yes, I have seen breasts before and, no, I don’t want to go to lunch with you.  Which brings me to my next point…

Don’t…
…tell everyone about your kinky Sexting relationship with some chick. I know you’re going to tell at least one buddy (I mean, come on) but telling as many people as possible smacks of desperation. No one really cares. Not to mention, one of your idiot buddies is bound to get too drunk and say something about the weird red hue of her bald privates; then it’s just a matter of time before she connects the dots as to why all your buddies have all been calling her Soda Popinski for three weeks. Take it easy, we get it; you’re sexually active on your Smartphone. Welcome to 2010, so are your parents.

Let’s face it Sexting is a blast. It creates a sense of forbidden excitement we rarely experience (outside of a close fantasy football game), but understand why: there is a chance – a very good chance – that this will get out. It’s a risk, a new pubic adventure in our new technological world. For now, it appears to be the last great frontier of sex (until we can have sex in the backs of our Delorean with robo-hookers that blur the lines of gender and humanity). Have fun, be cautious, and always remember to fluff before you shoot.

You’re welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain56