DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: QUICK HITS

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Quick Hits – Fall Edition

Q. I want the guy I’m dating to take me apple picking and he refuses to go. How can I convince him? – Stacey Carosi, Malibu Sands, CA

A. Believe it or not, as the fall season approaches, I hear this plea for help constantly from the ladies. I don’t know what it is about women and picking apples but you’d think they’d avoid it, judging from their history. As men, of course we don’t want to apple-pick; when it’s not banishing us from paradise into a life of sin and regret, it’s doing something far more sinister: making us miss football.

For a guy, every Saturday and Sunday in the fall is hopelessly, pathetically devoted to football; the game is our cruel mistress and our couches are the cold shackles that chain us to loss, pain, and fantasy stats. So how can you break the spell? You need to sell the idea, and any good saleswoman knows that in order to close the deal, you need to know your customer and tailor your pitch. First off, when is your man’s favorite team’s bye week (the one week every season they have off)? Lead with this, ‘Baby, after the Giants take down the Skins in game 7, I know they have the bye week…do you have any plans?’ Of course he doesn’t have any plans because men don’t make plans (which I know drives you girls insane – might as well play it to your favor). He’ll say, ‘no,’ and – bam – you’ll have him by the proverbial balls. Now drive the stake in the heart by telling him about a place that he might actually want to go to; you see, there are plenty of orchards outside any city that might feature corn mazes, pumpkin launchers or even pig races (true), and if there just happens to be some apple-picking involved, well then, so be it.

Remember: tailor the pitch, like anything in life, you have to sell the sizzle and always be closing. If you do that, you’ll have an embarrassing Apple Picking Facebook photo album (that literally nobody cares about) in no time.

Q. Train, I’ve been scoping this chick hard lately. The only problem is I only see her at the gym. How should I approach this situation? – Tony Perkis, Hope, ME

A. That’s easy: pack on some hard muscle and come at her looking like Hugh Jacked-man. Personalities don’t win any love wars at the gym; hard pecs and great gym innuendos are the only paths to victory here (i.e. ‘I save my squat-thrusts for the bedroom’, or, ‘How can I do some lunges into your heart?’). But don’t be too coy here; if she happens to catch you out of the corner of her eye, try simulating sex with a Swiss Ball or working up a full woody before laying down to max out on the bench press. And, of course, grunt as much as possible.

If that doesn’t work (it won’t), then try this secret weapon: self-deprecation. The gym has as much ego floating around as a summerhouse in the Hamptons full of 20 year-old Investment Bankers. The best way to handle things is to separate yourself from the pack of alpha males by being confident enough to make joke at your own expense. Talk about the 5-pound dumbbell press you just sweat through, or how the elliptical machine is great preparation for the moon bounce at your birthday party. Be cool by not being too cool.

And, of course, take it slowly. This isn’t a nightclub. Nobody went to the gym to meet guys first then sweat through their shirt second – so don’t make her uncomfortable at the place she pays good money to be a member of. It’s a process: start with a smile, move your way to a hello, and then see if she is receptive from there. Take it slow and look good, just like taping a porno…or so I’ve heard.

Q. I take a long time to get ready. It seems to bother anyone I date. Do guys care about this? – Blanche Devereaux, Miami, FL

A. I’ve never sat around at a bar and had a long discussion with the guys about how long our girls take to get ready. This is TV sitcom fodder, like ‘my wife can’t cook’ and ‘he always leaves the seat up’. Stop watching Two and a Half Men and listen here: we only care about being on time and walking in with someone presentable. If you want to look great, and it takes 6 hours to outdo the girl across from you, that’s fine; just do us a favor and start getting ready at 1PM.

Guys like getting a “win” and hate receiving a “loss”; it doesn’t matter how big or small the game. A lady taking a long time to get ready but looking like a 10 is a “win”.  A lady who only took twenty minutes to get ready, made us 10 minutes late to dinner, and looks like they just did the ‘walk of shame’ is a “loss”. Remember, it isn’t the amount of time it takes it’s how that time is used.
And if you make us late, you can forget about the trip to the apple orchard.

You’re welcome,

J-Train

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!