Dear Dotti – Nov 9, 2026
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Some of us have been playing meow without checking references. Holiday season is revving up, so spark up those Ring cameras; porch pirates are out for booty.
You have a real problem? Call someone who cares; otherwise, write me.
Swimming with Spycat?
Dear Dotti,
SpyCat here. I play it cool, but my heart is broken.
Alice Huang told me I was her one and only. I thought we had something really special when she kept a little can of tuna in her briefcase for me. But all this time, she’s been seeing another. A billionaire, no less! I’ve got nine lives, but he’s got nine zeros in his bank account. How can I compete? He makes artificial intelligence for the future. I’m just a feline intelligence agent from the ’90s with a taste for free-form poetry.They say it’s spy versus spy, but I thought we were the exception to the rule.
Dotti, is love possible for an international spy who speaks nine languages but longs to share just one—the language of love?
–signed, Cat, Spy.
Dear SpyCat,
I know cats hate water, but you’ve been swimming in the river of denial.
Let me guess. She works late? Last-minute business trips? How many phones does she have tucked into that sleek business suit?
You’ve been played by a player.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. So change the passwords to all nine of your lives, and look for the perfect parting gift: dead mouse on her pillow. It’s impossible to trace, and she’ll know exactly who it’s from, even if no one else does. Lick your wounds, cough up a hairball, and get back out there. Remember the most important four-letter word while looking for a mate: NEXT!
–Dotti
Pirates vs. Pirates
Dear Dotti,
I am a PIRATE! A REAL PIRATE! And it used to mean something.
I’ve sailed the seven seas, plundered merchant ships, fought for buried treasure, and made more than a few scallywags walk the plank. It’s been a hard-won career, with moments of doubt and even imposter syndrome. But thanks to my therapist parrot, I finally felt secure in my identity.
Then came the porch pirates.
How can anyone respect me when I tell them I’m a pirate and they unload a list of missing Amazon deliveries? And more than once, I’ve gotten a punch in the face!
I’ve spent a lifetime earning the right to be feared, and now I’m lumped in with people who steal toilet paper off suburban doorsteps.
How can I take pride in what I do when porch thieves have sullied my name?
—An ACTUAL PIRATE! AARRRRGGGG!!!!
Dear Sea Dog,
Darling gentleman of fortune, let’s not forget that your profession was built on stealing things that didn’t belong to you. The only real difference between you and a porch pirate is that they have Amazon Prime and you have scurvy.
My advice? Rebrand. Call yourself a maritime acquisitions specialist. I hear porch pirates are doing the same. They’re betting it all on “package liberators.” Turn your Ring cameras on, dear readers, ‘cause pirates of the porch and seas draw nigh!
—Dotti
Toodaloo my spies and pies.
