Hey! Readers! If you don’t have a face, you better make your passcode 1234. And while I have your attention, don’t put your marriage to the test if you don’t want to know the results.
Keep writing me at editor@weeklyworldnews.com
HEADLESS!
Dear Dotti,
I’m headless. I’m a horseman. I can barely type this but thank the darkness for talk-to-text. I’m sending this from a terrified mortal’s phone because I’m locked out of my phone by FACE ID! I walked into the Apple Store for help, but since I can’t remember my passcode, it’s too bad, too sad. Face ID is what you’re stuck with. I may be terrifying, but I pay my bills like everyone else. I can’t get into my banking app, Reddit, Pinterest, nothing! My Libby hold on Yesteryear is coming up! Help!
— Horseman, Headless
Dear Lost Your Head,
Face ID doesn’t know what to do with all the times my face has changed over the years. Stop trying to be a part of the iPhone world. You’re not built for it. Get an Android and use that craggy old hand for fingerprint ID. Then get off Pinterest and throw some pumpkins already. Keep Libby. Tell me if you like Yesteryear. I’m so far down in the hold list, I’ll never get a copy.
––Dotti
IKEA CRAZY
Dear Dotti,
We went to IKEA for three things: BILLY bookcase, MALM dresser, and a KALLAX shelving unit. We were on each other’s nerves at the bookcases. The dresser turned into a trudge down memory lane when I lost a little money on fantasy football. By the KALLAX shelves, we had a trial separation. By the Swedish meatballs, we were dividing our assets and setting the custody schedule. The worst part? My wife was right. The boxes didn’t fit in my car. She left me standing next to my Prius, the sun setting on my life. Can I save my family?
– Signed, Meat-balled
Dear Meathead,
Congrats! Most couples get divorced assembling the furniture from IKEA! You didn’t even make it home with the flat-pack boxes. Can you bring your family back together after failing to get along from showroom to self-serve warehouse? Sure, let me give you some instructions that fold out fifteen times and feature line drawings and cutout close-ups of brackets that aren’t in the box you managed to wrestle up the stairs. Ha ha ha ha ha!
– Shop local, Dummy! – Dotti
Toodalooooooooooooo.
