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FAT COMIC HAS NEW WEIGHT LOSS PLAN!


Monstrously obese, former  comedian Louie Anderson has found a new way to lose weight, which landed him in The Desert Springs Hospital in Las Vegas.

Anderson is a regular customer at the infamous Heart Attack Grill, on Freemont Street, where patrons over 350 pounds eat free. Anderson was between meals, and was famished, so he ordered his  long-time nurse Abie Geisberg fight traffic on Las Vegas Blvd, so that he could graze on a twenty pound cheeseburger.

After eating three pounds, Anderson’s stomach began shaking violently. The ground began to tremble under his chair and restaurant patrons started running out the door in fright.  Anderson’s stomach began to rip open and fragments of hundreds of pounds of food and waste began to cover the table, the patrons, and walls of the restaurant.

Nurse Geisberg tried to hold Anderson’s stomach together, but was covered instead with chunks of unchewed meat, fish bones, cow intestines, and mutton. ” I told him not to put extra onions on his burger,” Geisberg told WWN, “he must have tried to pass gas and something took a wrong turn in his intestinal tract.”

The shaken customers who got part of the food shrapnel were taken to the Trauma Unit of County Hospital where they were treated for minor cuts and lacerations.  Trauma counselors are on hand for all survivors.

Anderson underwent five hours of intensive surgery where his entrails were sewn together with tension cables, used in building and supporting bridges. Anderson is thankful that there were no casualties, “next time I eat a twenty pound cheeseburger, I’ll make sure I take a dump before I go.”

Anderson, who  is expected to make a full recovery, can be seen on reruns of The Family Feud on The Game Show Network.