WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama addressed the nation last night about his plan for Afghanistan, but Weekly World News has uncovered the secret details.
Last night President Obama did a live telecast from West Point outlining his plan for an increased presence in Afghanistan. The plan revolved around 9 Keys to eventually “bring this war to a successful conclusion.” However, Weekly World News investigators have discovered several major facets of the plan which Obama did not mention.
– Sony Playstations will be air lifted into the country.
Dozens of the original, first generation, Sony Playstation will be air dropped into different areas around Afghanistan. No one in the United States has played the system for years, and Army Intelligence has been grabbing every system they can get their hands on. Once deployed the system will provide ample distraction for disaffected youths who might otherwise join a terrorist group. When given the choice between going to an Al-Qaeda training camp, or staying home and playing Playstation, hopefully more young people will stay home and enjoy Western entertainment.
– Fast food burritos will be dropped into the most war-torn and starving parts of the country.
Like in most conflicts it is the people who have suffered the most who want to fight back. Taliban and Al-Qaeda recruitment is highest in areas where hunger and poverty are rampant. To alleviate the issue of hunger, hundreds of thousands of pounds of fast food grade burritos will be dropped in to these areas. Terrorist groups who steal the food, and eat more than one or two per person, will be incapacitated with intestinal distress. Ideally this may help flush some groups out of their caves, as they may require fresh air.
– Regis Philbin.
An anonymous source within the Intelligence community confirms that daytime television host Regis Philbin will be air dropped alone into the heart of Afghanistan. “Every day that man makes millions of people want to watch him, but can you say why? No, you can’t. He’s not funny, or attractive, or even interesting, but you can’t take you eyes off him, can you? We believe he will be invaluable in promoting a positive outlook towards America.” When asked if it was appropriate to put a old talk show host in such a dangerous situation, our source simply said “…he knows how to take care of himself.”