The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals! Blue war shall be waged on Greenpeace! For I am Poseidon, the great azure god, and my appeal is far greater than They of the Many Beards and Ponytails!
I grow weary of your foolishness, mortals. You same creatures who once recognized me as your most terrible god now live in a prison of fear and reason known as environmental activism.
‘Over eighty percent of the ocean’s big fish are gone,’ you pitifully lament at your poorly attended meetings over Styrofoam cups of stale coffee. ‘Overfishing threatens the balance and plenty of the ecosystem,’ you wail at disinterested passers-by as you clutch at your clipboards. ‘The glaciers are melting faster than even the most pessimistic models have projected,’ you tell people shrilly at dinner parties as you munch on the meatless side dishes forced into service as a main course.
O you fickle fools! Can you not comprehend the emptiness of your grassroots struggle? You once believed me to be the master of your fates. Now you believe that you know better, even as the seas rise furiously around you.
Your faith is misplaced, mortals. This rigorous process of scientific inquiry allied with a solemn respect for nature only serves to anger me further. There shall be no peace. I desire no peace. I shall reclaim my fame though war—publicity war!
And when all your greens have turned blue, and your men are weeping, and your women are awkwardly consoling them with guilty disgust in their hearts, you shall know that I am the greatest of all celestial celebrities.
I am forgotten, mortals, but not dead. I shall be publicized, I shall be worshipped, and I shall be remembered!
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