PENTHOUSE CLOSING

LOS ANGELES, CA – Penthouse is closing its doors for good and canceling its magazine.  Free online pornography is believed to have dealt the deathblow to the publishing giant.

Anthony Friedlander, Chief Executive Officer, said in a letter to shareholders this week:

“Dear Stockholders,

I never thought this would happen to me but, the company is going under.  We will be shutting down operations by the end of the quarter.

Sincerely,
Tony”

The rush of free pornography available online is believed to be responsible for their loss of revenue.  Free and available internet porn, that you could find in less time than it takes you to read this article.  Penthouse has also lost much of their clientele to online dating sites like NerdDate, No10sHere, and SettlingforGoodEnough.com.

With Penthouse closing its doors forever, they will be forced to sell off the Penthouse Mansion, the Penthouse Jet, and the Penthouse Cancer Research Center.  Scores of unpublished Penthouse letters will be donated to Hospice centers around the country.

Dozens of Penthouse Pets are now out of work and looking for new jobs.  Many are returning to their unglamorous former lives as butchers, cafeteria workers, truck drivers, and naughty librarians.  Many who were still paying off cosmetic surgeries will have to take out loans to cover their medical bills.

Several of the Pets who took advantage of the Penthouse Tuition Reimbursement Fund will use this opportunity to segway into their new lives as PhDs and MBAs.  Heidi Starr who was on the cover of last October’s issue received a PhD in Economics in December will be taking a job with ING Bank’s investment division.

“All in all I feel rewarded by the experiences I had.  It was a lot of fun and opened a lot of doors for me.  And in my heart I know that millions of men around the world have lusted for me naked, and that’s really the best part.”