DAYTONA 500 ENDS IN SACRIFICE

DAYTONA, FL – NASCAR’s most iconic race ended with a rain-out yesterday afternoon, despite pit crews making multiple sacrifices to the rain gods.

With 48 of the 200 laps to go, NASCAR judges had to stall the event, hoping that the rain would pass.

Pit crews went to work making sacrifices to appease the gods and end the rain.  Bulls, goats, and geese, are traditionally kept on hand for just this purpose.  Kevin Harvick’s crew had a full grown bull roasting on a makeshift altar in 3.22.57 seconds.

“There was some confusion as to which rain god we should sacrifice to” said Harvick’s crew chief James Hickerton.  “We decided on Poseidon, even though he’s technically a sea god, due to his recognizability.”

“Once we saw the rain wouldn’t be passing over in a couple minutes, we sent word to the teams to make sacrifice to their divine sponsors,” said NASCAR official Robert Biggle.

Teams offered up prayers to dozens of gods to please remove the rains so the auto race could resume.

These pit crews were fighting against the influence of Matt Kenseth’s team.  Kenseth was in the lead when the race was stalled, so his pit crew tried desperately to have the race called off.  The team sacrificed three bulls, two chickens and one unruly spectator donated by security while leading several VIP fans in a rain dance.

The rain kept coming and Kenseth was declared the winner of this year’s Daytona 500.  “I’d like to thank my pit crew for dancing so hard,” he said, “my wife for agreeing to give our son in exchange for this, and to the great Sky Father for making it all happen.”