PHOENIX – Romney reached out and won the support of American Zombies!
Mitt Romney was reeling when he heard that aliens from Planet Zeeba were backing President Obama and forming a super-Pac. He wanted to reach out to other “minority” Americans. He met with the Werewolf Association and a prominent Vampire Pac, but both of them rejected Romney. He looked into the Ghost Lobby, but they were also unimpressed with Romney.
Luckily, Romney found sympathetic ears at a gathering of Zombies in Michigan. “Mitt seems like he’s one of us already,” said Zombie spokesmen, Len Blathman (dead 100 years). “Mitt feels like a Zombie, talks like a Zombie and he often walks like a Zombie, so we are throwing our support behind him.”
Zombie reportedly have already eaten the brains of a number of Santorum supporters. “If we can’t convince them to change their minds, we simply eat their brains,” said Blathman. “It’s simple and it doesn’t cost much money to do.”
Mitt Romney was questioned by the mainstream media about his new bizarre association with Zombies and he dodged the issue. “We are an all-inclusive campaign and if Zombies want to join in, if they “believe in America” and they want to restore our country to greatness, we welcome them.”
When asked if he thought it was a bad idea to associate with beings that eat brains, kill people and turn them into Zombies, Romney responded,”well, that’s basically what the Obama Administration has been doing to Americans the last three years. They have eaten our brains.”
President Obama had no comment, but his Press Secretary Jay Carney said, “as long as Zombies support free contraception for all women, living and dead, we have no problem with them.”