DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: SEX

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Sex and Farts

Q.    Train, so I meet this guy; we go on one date and we go “all the way” (no, not speaking over the phone…actual sex). I know this can’t be good but is it hopeless now? – Stephanie Tanner, San Francisco, CA

There are pros and cons to everything we do in life – and this is especially true in dating; a push and a pull, a Yin and a Yang. For example, you buy a girl a drink – you spend money (con); but she may be fooled into thinking you’re good looking (pro). The question is, then: are the pros worth the cost of the cons? I agree it isn’t good to jump a guy on the first date but is it a deal breaker? Lets take a look.

Pros

1.    You got off (maybe?)

2.    You know the type of lover that guy is. I’m not talking about Kama Sutra, ‘Flying Iron Puma’ stuff here; after all, very few men this side of Sting can keep up the stamina on the first go-around (depending on blood alcohol level). What I mean is this: is he a sweater? Does he keep his socks on? Does he…well…fit? Did he even realize you were there? –  A selfish lover is a selfish man. In one lust filled night you’ve learned a lot about the person, which is always a plus.

3.    You’ve made this guy’s week. He’s got a story for his buddies…and probably the whole IT department. Let’s just hope you guys didn’t do then nasty at an office party. You’ve done an act of charity for someone and that’s always good.

4.    Most importantly, you now know exactly how this guy feels about you. There is no clearer moment in a guys head than the few clairvoyant minutes after he climaxes. He’ll never be more truthful, more honest, more eloquent – he could build bridges, compose sonnets, fight bears. Then – poof! – It’s gone. It’s sort of like at the end of the notebook when the old lady who looks nothing at all like Rachel McAdams defies all science and shakes Alzheimer’s for a quick five minutes – and everything suddenly shifts dramatically into focus – Am I right, ladies? I’m right, ladies.

See, by taking the trip into Bone-ville, you got to avoid the stop off in Lie-town. Does he leave immediately after? Does he seem uncomfortable post-coitus? Does he take you to brunch the next day and order you a Grand Slam? These are important clues. This guy isn’t just trying to say the right things just to get to the sex anymore; he’s already planted the metaphorical flag in your literal vagina. Seize your 5 minutes of honesty and look honestly at his actions.

Cons

1.    Let’s face it, you didn’t get off.

2.    You know what type of lover he is. The steamy intrigue is gone. Five minutes of missionary isn’t exactly Ryan Gosling manhandling you in a house he built for you. Am I right ladies? I’m right, ladies.

3.    You’ve made this guy’s week. He told everyone – even the IT department. His friends have a nickname for you, too: probably something like “Cap’n Crunch” (don’t ask) or “Whore.”

4.    Taking that detour around Lie-town means your going to get the truth, which can hurt. You’re going to have to be prepared to know that “I’m working late all week” and “I have a stomach ache” really just means he’s playing video games with his buddies. He got what he wanted, climaxed and said then something to the effect of, “The Cap’n was cool, but not for me.” You have to be prepared for total honesty through his actions, and if he doesn’t treat you right then cut your losses and move on (This goes for guys, too…don’t be self-righteous martyrs here, ladies, some of you are man-eaters and we know it).

We both know sex on the first date isn’t the way to play it. So is it hopeless? Maybe you screwed the pooch (no pun intended) by rushing it, and maybe he’s lost interest and you’ve become just another conquest. But maybe not…play it cool, read the clues correctly and let him come back to you. And if you do get a second date, kiss him goodnight, and grab your vibrator.

Q.    I’m on the couch right now and I am emailing you from my phone. This girl I’ve been dating just farted in front of me. I didn’t even know they could do that. What do I do? Get back to me ASAP. – Alex P. Keaton, Columbus, OH

So I’ve heard about this…apparently, sometimes girls fart. Don’t freak out; we’ll get through this. I believe this is a mating ritual in which she tries to establish her dominance. Make it clear right away that this will not stand. Slip in a subtle line to throw her off, like ‘Wow, that’s so interesting, none of my exes ever farted in front of me. Speaking of exes, I used to have way more sex with them than I ever have with you. What? No, I didn’t mean that – I’m sure there’s no correlation between our sex life and the smell that is currently emanating from your ass.’

Then, continue to fart as much as you want. She has given you a gift of fart freedom. Let them fly whenever, wherever, forever. The world is yours friend; take it, you take it now!

You’re welcome,

Train

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

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