DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: HALLOWEEN EDITION

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Halloween Quick Hits

The inbox has been jam packed this week with some of the spookiest Halloween-related questions I could have imagined. I love it; Halloween is the most magical (and sexy) time of year for the single, the dating, and the old relationships that need a new spark. For adults, it’s like a national holiday devoted to kinky role-play. Now, that can sound intimidating, but luckily the Train is going to help you navigate.

Q. How long do you have to be in a relationship before you can break out a couple’s themed costume? If my lady and I should choose to dress in tandem, what costume would you suggest? Edward Cullen, Forks, Washington

Here’s how you know when to do the couple’s costume: If your balls have been placed in a glass jar atop her bureau, then you’re ready. There is only one exception to this rule: your tandem costume is more creative and funny than anything you could have pulled off on your own (which happens RARELY). If you both dress as Brad and Angelina or a Ship Captain and his First Mate, then you should probably be arrested on the charge of public indecency because everyone you see that night will immediately get sick to their stomach. If you insist on going tandem, then you need to bring the house down. My suggestion? Have your lady go as a dominatrix and you can go as her slave. It’s funny, it’s sexy, and you’re outwardly embracing what everyone was already thinking. (Another suggestion? Both of you dress like Frenchmen – beret, scarf, striped shirt – and you attach a blow up doll between you at your waist, facing down.  Call it an Eiffel Tower. BOOM. You’re welcome, America.)

Q. How old is too old for a costume that starts with the word sexy? (i.e. sexy secretary, sexy janitor, sexy sex thing) – Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Los Angeles, CA

Age is irrelevant, the sexy is all that matters. Just because the costume name has the word sexy at the front doesn’t mean it always looks sexy. So it’s mirror-looking time. Nobody wants to see the “Sexy Hippo” or the “Sexy Nursing Home Resident”,  – especially you, the next day, when all of your friends start tagging those pictures on Facebook.

While we’re on the topic, guys love the sexy costumes but it should be said, there is a middle ground on Halloween; you don’t need to be walking around naked and you don’t need to be dressed as a Nun. There are certain things a girl can do that get every guys blood pumping. For example:

1.    Cleavage: Let those ladies fly, especially you bigger girls. Christine Hendricks knows what she’s working with and it’s very sexy.
2.    Braided Pigtails: Every girl just made a face reading that (it felt dirty to type) but yes, guys enjoy things with handle-bars (felt even dirtier to type that).
3.    Superhero costumes: Spandex; super strength; a dark, checkered past. Perfect.

Q. What’s the best costume for me to get laid? – Count Chocula, Transylchocula

Depends on who the prospects are, but here are some general rules of thumb:

For Dudes:
-Wear a shirt: if you’re in good shape, you look like an asshole showing off. If you’re not, it might be funny, but it is not going to get you laid.

-Tight is OK, especially if it’s comically tight, like a child’s costume. It subtly hints at what you’re working with (junk-wise), while being funny and showing your not too self-conscious. But please don’t dress as a superhero if you’re going to tell girls all night about the origins of Superman and how he tapped into a post-WWII culture intoxicated on patriotism and bewitched by the idea of alien life. She already stopped listening, I’m surprised you even got through the last sentence.

-Don’t dress as a condom dispenser, or a bottle of booze, or a pot leaf. The rest of us adults are aware that people drink, smoke, and have sex.

For Girls:
-Seriously? Wear something slutty. Someone (or thing) will sleep with you.

For Both:
-Whether you’re a guy or girl group costumes are tough to approach for an outsider. You’re friend is in the corner puking, your other friend is fighting with his/her boyfriend/girlfriend, and you’re dressed as a Kindergartner on a rope; this doesn’t exactly scream ‘let’s bang.’

Q. Last year I dressed as a sexy secretary and my friends were kind of weird about this. Why is that? – Bride of Frankenstein, Geneva, Switzerland

Halloween is a competition, and not everyone is a gracious loser. And by ‘not everyone,’ I mean, ‘every girl I’ve ever known.’ You see, most girls follow the code: wear something sexy, but not too sexy so as to keep somewhat of a level playing field – guess what? You broke the code. The less you wear the more the boys stare, and the more the boys stare, the more every girl in the room hates you. Walk that tight-wire ladies and make the decision: Are you up for brunch on Sunday with the girls or awkward goodbyes as you slip back into your ‘lingerie with bunny ears’ costume?

Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween.  It’s the one night a year where men dress as boys, girls dress as women, and those women can have sex with boys without it being weird (I think). Eat some candy, drink a lot, and make a few mistakes.

You’re welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

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