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DID ABE LINCOLN FAKE HIS DEATH?

RECENT SIGHTINGS LEADS HISTORIAN TO SAY “PROBABLY.”

April 15th, 2021 marked the 156th anniversary of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination.

Or did it?

One scholar, who has viewed photographic evidence showing Lincoln attending events long after his death, says that Lincoln is alive and well and still living in this country he fought to keep united.

Seated next to this WWN reporter, gazing up at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., is Professor Roderick T. Price, who has a PhD in World Mythology and is the author of such books as “The Fairy Kingdom,” “Elves Around the World” and “How To Write After Twelve Concussions.”

Taking in the majesty of the Memorial, he whispers: “He wasn’t nearly as tall in real life.”

“Yeah,” this reporter replied. “I pretty much figured that out.”

“But in many ways, he was a lot bigger,” the Professor smiles. “A lot.”

Noting that Professor Price’s main claim to fame is his knowledge of, uh, fairies, what led him into the realm of American history?

“Lincoln’s youth,” he explained. “He grew up in various densely forested lands. His father thought he was a bookworm and lazy. Young Abe read. Furiously. He’d walk for miles and miles to borrow a book. One of those was Aesop’s Fables. Abe had been introduced to the realm of myth. Eventually, he learned about fairies.

“It’s my belief that, when different races and nationalities emigrated to America, they brought their elfin beliefs with them. Thus, America is home to every type of fairy ever imagined. Young Abe, like his father, was a good tool-smith and, as a child, he saw the ‘doll people’ of the woods. So, he whittled homes for them, sturdy ones. After that? They kept a watchful eye on him.”

THE EVERYMAN

The Professor believes that the fairies guided him in making the right decisions. When Lincoln was in his teens, he was a tall, lanky and muscular man; good at wrestling and rail-splitting. Along the way, he continued his education by borrowing books in exchange for making log cabins. He was the “Rail-Splitter.” After he became a self-taught lawyer, he earned another nickname, “Honest Abe.”

By the time he was elected President, Abe Lincoln was a different kind of politician. “He was an everyman,” says the professor. “He wanted unity. This impressed the fairies a lot. They’d been mistreated for centuries. When they learned about the assassination plot, they alerted Lincoln stalwart, General Ulysses S. Grant, who was drunk at the time. Fortunately, they made him write down all the facts.”

At this point in time, Lincoln was in a bad place. The bloody Civil War was over. Two of his four sons were dead, with another one on the way out whose eccentricities terrified the house cats. His wife, Mary, when not weeping, had loud debates with potted plants and, in her diary, listed one of her hobbies as “shrieking.”

For a solid week, she demanded to be addressed as “Big Bazoombas.”

When Grant told Lincoln about the plot, Lincoln recognized the information as coming from his doll people. Confiding in two-dozen close associates, including his fourth son, he staged his assassination. John Wilkes Booth’s gun was filled with blanks. Lincoln brought in a napkin filled with catsup to the theater that night and, when the blank was fired, he smashed the catsup against the back of his head.

How did Professor Price find this out?

“Well, I found notes from the nurses saying that his blood went well with chips.”

After things settled down, Lincoln hit the bricks. “He loved jokes,” says the Professor. “He loved dancing. At parties, he was the one you wanted to be near. But, he had to stifle that during a life of self-sacrifice.”

Lincoln disappeared for a while, reappearing as part of FDR’s CCC camps, a group that cleared trees and built roadways. During the 30s, he fronted a country band. “Grant’s Tomb.”

“He also got involved in civil rights in the 1960s. And he attended Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech. Abe loved life. In 1969, he was at Woodstock and, later, got into punk and New Wave. He had a great physical presence and just inspired people.

“He really hit his stride during the 1980s,” says Professor Price. “Every comedy club in Los Angeles wanted him in the audience. He had a booming laugh.

“I heard that, recently, he’d been working with Jimmy Carter’s group, building homes for the homeless.”

IS HE ALIVE?

He holds up a photo of National Guardsmen in combat gear in 2020, guarding his monument from peaceful protestors. “Abe can clearly be seen among the protestors as the Guard trounced politically sacred ground under the orders of a president whose IQ was equal to Abe’s shoe size.”

He sighed and sagged.

“So,” this reporter began, “You’re saying that Abe Lincoln is still alive and well. What did he do? Make a deal with the devil?”

He smiled. “No, he was blessed by the fairy folk to live a long, fulsome and impactful life.”

“So, you’re saying that Lincoln is alive and well and still trying to unite everyone because of a fairy blessing?”

The Professor slowly stood and gave the scribe an envelope of photos. “Yeah. Does that make me crazy?”

This reporter shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “Nope.”

Thinking about today’s politics, this scribe added with a wink, “It makes you an optimist.”

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