HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE A CLONE

A practical guide to finding the “real you”

They say everyone has a twin. A doppelganger. A stranger somewhere in the world who looks just like you. 

Ever wonder why that is?

Most of us know it’s because alien cloning programs have been active on Earth for millennia. Need proof? Just look at crowd scenes on ancient pyramid walls. Every person in those carvings looks exactly the same. Like, identical. Coincidence? Not. At. All.

If that’s not enough proof for you, try a little hard science. There are lots of services that use DNA to trace your ancestry. But a new company, called 23&Me&Me&Me, specializes in finding only exact DNA matches. If they find an exact match, bingo! You’ve been cloned. 

Due to a mounting number of lawsuits and legal pressure, 23&Me&Me&Me has delayed their official launch until at least 2022. Until then, here are a few practical ways to determine if you might be a clone.

Look for signs “version degradation”

Each clone generation loses a little something. To illustrate my point, try this simple exercise. Take a picture of yourself. Print it. Then scan that print. Now print it again. Now scan and print that print. After a few hundred cycles, the image you end up with is not nearly as crisp as the original. Right? Alien cloning programs work in much the same way. Ever see someone who looks like a rougher, more beat-up version of yourself? Good news! They are probably the clone. But if you’ve ever been told you resemble a celebrity—someone rich and famous—that’s not a good sign. Better keep reading.

Gauge your pet’s reaction

Even the best clones can’t fool a loyal pet. Of any kind. Reptile. Mammal. Whatever. What you need to look for is any change in reaction or perception. Did your dog recently start barking at you for no reason? Does your cat suddenly acknowledge your existence? Does your pet fish still remember you? Keep in mind with goldfish, this is a very short window. 

Please note, this only works for recently replaced clones. Any pets purchased after your clonal substitution will only know you as a clone. Unless you get a hedgehog. Hedgehogs have been scientifically proven to sniff out clones with 100% accuracy.

Find your serial number

Every clone has a serial number. Only so-called “originals” or “first gens” do not. As with most implanted alien tech—transponders, mood grafts, cybernetic integrations, etc.—clone ID numbers can be really tricky to find. Dr. Austin G. Ellis, a noted clone identification expert, and hedgehog enthusiast gives this advice: “We recommend the buddy system. Find someone you trust to help locate your number, or ‘badge.’ If you don’t have a willing partner, you’ll need a hand mirror and a very specific combination of yoga poses.” 

Unfortunately, our feed was cut off before Dr. Ellis could give further details. Probably government—or alien—interference. Either way, you can bet this reporter will get to the bottom of it.

But in the meantime, remember folks: they say your “twin” is out there somewhere. Maybe in another state. Or another country. Or maybe the clone you are looking for is a lot closer than you think. Perhaps right under your nose. 

Until next time: Flip. Out.