DELAWARE IS MISSING!

“By the time authorities noticed, the trail had gone cold.”

The Federal Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Delaware, the seventh-largest broiler chicken exporter in the nation, has mysteriously disappeared. 

Eight days after receiving a tip from a concerned citizen, authorities arrived at the Maryland/Delaware border. There they found a gaping hole in the ground where the proud state had once been. 

“It’s not that we didn’t believe the person that called it in. The FBI is extremely busy. We didn’t get around to it until today,” said the lead FBI investigator, Michael Hormonie. 

Sources confirmed to Weekly World News Agent Hormonie’s claim. They cited the FBI webpage’s calendar which boasted National Grandparents Day, the Jewish holiday, Shavuot, and the Annual FBI Fun Run/Lunch-a-thon all in the same week. 

Gail Druthers is the New Jersey woman who called in the disappearance of Delaware to the authorities. She first noticed something was awry when her cousin, a Delaware native, stopped returning her calls.

“I never really cared for that woman. Always felt kind of off. Drank a lot of milk. But she’s family so when she asked to borrow my pup tent for a backyard camp out, I lent it to her. Then a week went by. Then two. So I called and I called but no answer. That’s when I knew something was up. I mean what could she have been doing? She lives in Delaware for God’s sake. And now that I know why she wasn’t answering, I’m afraid I’ll never get my tent back.”

THE HUNT FOR DELAWARE

Agent Hormonie spoke at a sparsely-attended press conference on the Maryland border yesterday. She assured the nation that the federal government is doing everything in its power to find Delaware. “We want it back in its rightful place.” 

When pressed for a potential cause of the state’s sudden disappearance, Harmonie was hesitant to speculate. But she did have this to say:

“Look, I don’t know. Typically with disappearances like this the trail goes cold within a couple of days. So, at this point, it really could be anything. UFOs misinformed about the state’s importance, mole people digging too many tunnels resulting in a collapse into the earth’s core, it never being there in the first place – these are all things we’re still looking into. We aren’t ruling out any suspects at this time.”  

Weekly World News reached out to friends and family of Delaware residents with questions regarding their feelings around the disappearance. Surprisingly, the consensus among them was that this is probably what they would’ve wanted anyway.

If you have any information on Delaware’s current whereabouts, please call the FBI Hotline at 1-800-FUNRUN. You need to hold for the operator and tell them you have a non-Fun-Run-related query. Then listen for the menu options and punch in the numeral to — Find Delaware.