IS TV’S TONY DANZA OUT TO ‘OUT-GOOP’ GWYNETH?

HIS “BRING ON THE FUNK” FRAGRANT CANDLES ARE DESIGNED FOR MEN.

No one can deny that Tony Danza is a Renaissance Man. The beloved TV actor has been, over the years, a boxer, a teacher, a lauded Broadway actor, a philanthropist and an all-around good guy.

According to rumors, Danza is now jumping into the world of men’s personal wellness. He has created a new line of candle scents designed just for men. The line, called “Bring On The Funk,” will make its debut in mid-November, just in time for the Christmas season. Danza, so far, has stayed mum as to his involvement.

“Bring On the Funk” president, Louie (“Lips”) DiMarco, decides to play it close to the vest when speaking to WWN. “Without revealing names,” he says, “I can tell you that our founder is one of the most beloved actors from ‘Taxi.’ And we can rule out Andy Kaufman.”

What will make “Funk’s” products different than, let’s say, Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop”  line?

Louie grins. “It’s the anti-Goop, really,” he says. “This stuff is all for guys. Guys over forty. They’re either under the financial grindstone, supporting a typically dysfunctional family or they’re divorced. Either way, they probably have a ‘man cave,’ a room that’s theirs alone. Where they can listen to loud music, watch sports, guzzle beer. This product line is for them.”

He smiles, wistfully. “If you are over forty and you do have a man cave, your life is kinda out of whack. You just want to huddle in there and forget where and what you are. Instead, you want to remember what you used to be.”

THE ANTI-GOOP LINE OF PRODUCTS

“Goop has candles like ‘It Smells Like My Vagina’ and ‘It Smells Like My Orgasm.’ It’s all me, me, me; I, I, I. We’re the opposite. Everything in our line is ‘yours.’ ‘It Smells Like Your Gym Locker,’ ‘It Smells Like Your Sneakers,’ ‘It Smells Like Your Sweat Socks,’ ‘It Smells Like Your Armpit,”’ ‘Your Toe Jam,’ ‘Your Crotch,’ ‘Your Dirty Laundry” he continues. “These are basic smells that sends a guy going back to the good old days.

“If you really want to go back in time and recreate your high school or college years, just combine ‘Gym Locker,’ ‘Sneakers’ and ‘Dirty Laundry.’ It’s aromatic time travel.”

Louie chuckles. “Men have been waiting to enhance their lives for decades. Now? We have the chemical way to do it. We have affordable scented candles that will mesmerize men. ‘My bacon,’ ‘My hotdogs,’ ‘My barbecue,’ ‘My popcorn,’ ‘My first drink,’ ‘My beer,’ ‘My Pubescence,’” he says. “And you can mix and match!”

Does “Bring On the Funk” truly believe it can create new roads into the men’s wellness market? “Create new roads?” Louie laughs. “Before ‘Funk,’ there were no roads. I mean, try to find another company pushing candles that really takes an ordinary guy back to his childhood. ‘My Father’s Old Spice’ or ‘My Mother Burning Breakfast.’”

Does Louie think “Bring On the Funk” stands a chance at success? “Oh, yeah. We just have to convince men to buy candles and such. The alternative candles we are offering are battery-powered misters. We have ‘stick them on the wall’ versions. These alternatives are great for guys who drink a lot and aren’t capable of handling a candle without burning the house down while smoking a cigar.”

“HOW ABOUT ‘MY DIVORCE’ FACIAL CREAM?”

Louie crosses his arms and smiles. “And when our founder is revealed? And people greet him as a ‘regular guy?’ If he talks this up, guys will consider it. If they start buying, by next year will have more products available. How about ‘My Divorce’ facial cream? One of its active ingredients is Silly Putty. You’ll only have to use it once a week. It’ll erase those dark circles under your eyes and all your ‘worry’ lines. Plus, for the first four days after application you’ll be able to copy newspaper comics on your face. This could be a real cash cow.”

WWN concluded the interview, slightly overwhelmed by the concept.  Louie sized this reporter up and gave me three candles: My Father’s Old Spice, My Mother Burning Breakfast and My First Drink. He tossed in a mister of “My Zits” as well.

Exiting the “Bring On the Funk” headquarters, this reporter was impressed. How did they know me so well?