“THE LINE WILL BE SAFE, AFFORDABLE AND FRISKY,” SAYS DESIGNER.

Internationally acclaimed haute couture fashion designer Prince Jean-Pierre Finkelè of the award winning Maison de merde group is planning a new, affordable line of fashions that will be stylish but also effective in the fight against the Covid-19 virus.

“There’s no way to avoid that this virus is now part of our lives,” says the designer. “I set out to embrace it and say to it: ‘No! You shall not take away our sense of fashion. I will bitch-slap your little face and strut around safely. Nyah.”

To make that happen, Finkelè has based his entire line on Hazmat suits. “We tried to address every possible consumer,” he says, “designing clothing that will reflect every strata of society.”

For kids, he has designed two different lines, one mimicking TV’s Teletubbies and one being a pure white outfit. “For children, we have to make them want to suit up and go around in spite of the virus. We have festive, colored outfits and we have, what I call, the Casper the Friendly Ghost outfits. It will give the children a sense of costume-donning, not quite Marvel Comics but beyond Halloween.”

For playful adults, Finkelè has designed a Hazmat suit that can be inflated. “Adults should never lose their sense of fun,” he explains. “This suit can be worn as a regular outfit or an inflatable one, depending on one’s mood. If you want to walk around and be safe, you can do that. If you want a little more bounce in your step? Inflate the sucker. If you want to roll around, inflate it more.”

THERE’S EVEN A SLACKER LINE.

He’s even created a line for disaffected teens. “It combines solid Hazmat technology with slacker fashion: low-slung jeans, hoodie and a certificate announcing that you’re an existential rebel and nothing matters. We’re trying to get Morrissey to endorse them. We’re close.”

What about lines for Americans who refuse to wear masks because it will make them look like they’ve caved into the government. “Oh, yes,” Finkelè muses, “the putzes. Well, we’ve designed a line of masks that have every reprehensible phrase and symbol known to decent people. You can’t say you’re caving into government when you’re wearing racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic and xenophobic phrases across your face. Plus, for the real knuckle-draggers, we’ve designed masks that resemble bib overalls and Daisy Duke shorts.

“And for American families seeking to go back to the good-old-days of McCarthyism, we have sets of clothing that combine retro-fifties designs as seen on TV with standard head gear. It’s perfect for all those who’ll flock to DisneyWorld thinking that Walt is still alive.”

When asks how he feels about his latest contribution to fashion, he smiles. “This is one of my proudest moments. I’ve managed to create clothing that is safe, affordable and frisky. Plus, I can make a quick buck as long as the virus lasts.”