BARNEY GETS JACKED!

DATING CARDI B?

Barney, once popular chubby children’s show icon, fell out of favor and disappeared from popular culture more than a decade ago. After a long stint of depression, some time behind bars for drug abuse, he hit the gym – big time! He shocked everyone when. he recently emerged to show off his new ripped purple physique.

Barney credits a vegan diet and a strict workout regime for his transformation. His daily routine includes weight training and a 10- mile morning run. When asked what he will do now, he said, “Anything that doesn’t involve kids.” 

The world appears to be his oyster once again. His agent at CAA told Weekly World News that Barney is slated to star in a reality TV show, plans to market a new line of workout videos, and he has signed on to become a UFC fighter.

His feud with Pee Wee Herman is well known, but it is unclear if the two will agree to square off in a celebrity cage match. The match had originally been proposed to take place in 1992. Barney’s agents have downplayed the prospect of this exciting match. But it seems unlikely that Pee Wee would want anything to do with his purple nemesis. In the 90s, they both were vying for the attention and adoration of kids worldwide. Pee Wee’s reps have claimed the match would be unfair because “that dino is “jacked on steroids.”

CARDI B – BUSINESS OR PERSONAL?

Barney has also been recently seen with Cardi-B in Soho, New York City. But he cooled off talk of a romance with the sultry pop singer. “It’s business, not personal. We have been friends for a long time. Besides, I don’t even have a penis,” he stated.

However, rumors have swirled that Ms. B has recorded a new song, lewdly referencing “riding” a “magic purple tail.” The song has the same melody of the beloved Barney and Friends theme song. Barney has also been rumored to be dropping a rap album of his own. He had no comment on a music venture and just stated, “We’ll see.”