AMERICA’S MOST OUTSPOKEN ADVICE COLUMNIST!
MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG IS TELLING ME TO DO BAD THINGS!
Dear Dotti: I noticed recently that my neighbor’s dog is talking to me. He keeps telling me I should get rid of all the evil people in my city. He’s never talked to me before, but he sounds sincere. What do you think? — Hearing Voices in Jefferson City.
Dear Voices: If that dog told you to eat a pile of gravel and stab yourself in the eye with a fork, would you do that, too? I think you’ve been cooped up too long. You need to stop taking advice from talking dogs and start listening to a good shrink!
MY HUBBY’S MISTRESS WANTS ME TO PAY HER CELLPHONE BILL!
Dear Dotti: Last night I saw an odd number calling my cell. I usually think it’s a scam, and ignore it, but I decided to answer it. The woman on the line told me that she was my husband’s mistress and that my husband had been paying for her cellphone the last year and was upset that he is refusing to pay it during this coronavirus mess. She hasn’t seen him in months because he’s been stuck at home with me.
I confronted him about the call and he broke down in tears. He confessed that he had this woman on the side for two years and begged me to forgive him. I was so hurt and angry I didn’t know how to react. So I told him I need a few days to think. What should I do? — Velma in California.
Dear Velma: This lowlife creep you call a husband doesn’t have a “woman” on the side – he’s got a HOOKER on the side. If I were you, the first thing I’d do after kicking him in the balls and filing for divorce is to trot down to see my doctor – and get tested for STDS! And, BTW, do not even think of paying her cellphone bill. Don’t be a moron like him!
WHY AM I SO POPULAR WITH STRANGERS?
Dear Dotti: I have so many guys hitting on my lately. It’s always when I’m online. They slide into my DMs. The other day I got a message from a guy who seemed really nice. He complimented me on my profile picture then offered me a great deal on carpet cleaning. then I got another DM from a hot guy offering me a new credit card. Finally, another stud offered me a free trip to Bali. If I just listened to his video pitch about a new condo. Why am I so popular lately? – Hot Babe in Detroit.
Dear Hot Babe: I don’t know what the hell sliding into your DM means, but whatever it is, I recognize that technique. It’s as old as I am! These DMers are called scammers, honey. It’s their job to lure you in and separate you from your money. Don’t get sucked in by bullshit compliments. And take a long break from social media while you’re at it!
LOVING HER WAS EASY – UNTIL SHE TOOK OFF HER CLOTHES!
Dear Dotti: Last October, I fell head over heels in love with a gorgeous gal that I work with and our relationship was pure Heaven. As time went on, and we got more serious, we decided to sleep together in February, right before the lockdown.
I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was that night – until we got to the bedroom and took off our clothes. To my utter shock, my girlfriend turned out to be a man! I was totally revolted and ran him or her out of my house. Now I get sick to my stomach thinking about our little affair and can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever trust a lover. What do you think about all this? – Duped in Albuquerque
Dear Duped: I could say a lot of things about your situation but I’ll keep it short and sweet. Even in today’s world with all this gender nonsense going on, anyone who can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman after months of dating deserves whatever surprises he gets!
HELP! I’VE RUN OUT OF GAS ON THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE!
Dear Dotti: At the age of 38, my life is in the pits. I have had three bad marriages, given seven kids up for adoption, and can’t hold a job for more than six months. I’ve tried to better myself but nothing seems to work. If something doesn’t give soon. I’m afraid I’ll do something drastic – like hurt myself. Please give me some advice – fast! – Desperate in Baltimore.
Dear Desperate: If you really want to better yourself, stop falling for every man you meet, stop having babies you can’t support and FIND a way to hold a job for more than six months. The name of the game is character, kiddo. And don’t you EVER forget it.
IF I DIVORCE MY WIFE, WILL SHE STILL BE MY COUSIN?
Dear Dotti: My wife and I are ready to call it quits after three stormy years of marriage, and five months of Covid. We both agree it’s time to part ways. Unlike some couples, though, we’ll still be friends after the divorce because we’re both mature, loving people. What we’re not so sure of is our “blood status.” You see, we’re first cousins and had to falsify papers to get our marriage license. So our questions is this: We know we won’t be “husband and wife” after the divorce – but will we still be cousins? — Perplexed in Louisiana.
Dear Perplexed: Let’s just say that you’ll still be PINHEADS and leave it at that!
That’s all for now. Please send me your questions: firstname.lastname@example.org