One month ago, Elon Musk was spotted in a grocery store wearing an unusual contraption. Many. who saw him, ridiculed his clothing accessory. But, apparently, his trip to pick up some Slim Jims and a six-pack of diet Coke was a field test for something more.
At a small, socially responsible gathering, Tesla hosted a reveal of their latest outing in personal safety. Tesla Social Distancing Unit or TDSU for short. It’s a marvel of ingenuity with thoughtful social aspirations.
“This exquisite looking device keeps the user perfectly sequestered from outside contaminants!” Mr. Musk boasts, “It’s self-sustainable of course. Solar power combined with motion capturing generators all feeding the powerful Tesla battery which powers the positive pressure air pump and VR display. The air pump also runs a powerful, loud, attention-getting horn that will sound if anyone breaches the 6-foot perimeter. This option can be toggled on and off as needed. Elevators were a problem you see.”
A GROWING WORLDWIDE TREND!
The world’s elites have already got a jump start on ownership. And they are customizing their own TSDUs. Some have been spotted wearing the device in public. Weekly World News is bringing you exclusive photos of the TSDU in action, and a few comments from the early adopters of this game-changing device.
Larger than life celebrity, Steven Tyler, was spotted getting off a plane in Los Angeles, rocking his very own TSDU.
“I thought it was silly looking at first, but after I jazzed it up with a scarf and some stickers it looked like any other kewl hat I might find myself wearing. It’s so lightweight, I barely can tell I have it on. Space-age materials baby!” -Steven Tyler
Justin Bieber, seen in his natural habitat with his TSDU.
“I can’t even smell the garbage that surrounds me in my everyday life! I know I am safe from all germs now!” -Justin Bieber
Mark Zuckerberg and a random Congressman on the floor of the Senate. The random Congressman clearly giving the thumbs up to Zuckerberg for his choice in personal protective equipment.
“It’s spiff-a-rooney.” -Mark Zuckerberg
“Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph.” -Random Congressman
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?
Musk did not discuss the retail price of the TSDU at the event. Weekly World News cornered a Tesla representative by the punch bowl, trail mix, and finger sandwiches after the presentation. Given our years of mastering interview technique, we were able to pester the representative into revealing the actual cost of the TSDU. Her reply was, “Six feet! Damnit! Six feet!”
After we gave her the aforementioned six feet she continued, “If you have to ask, it’s probably not a realistic acquisition for you or anyone you are friends with. You probably couldn’t afford the service contract that goes with it, much less the unit itself. Maybe you should look into plastic bags with straw holes and coffee filters.”
(Poop, I was hoping to get one for my birthday. I wanted to look snazzy for my special day. Zuckerberg really sold me on it. He has such a way with words…sigh…) -DD
