FEDS APPOINT SALAD CZAR!

Americans Finally Get The Guidance They Need On Salad Choices

WASHINGTON D.C.- For the last ten years, the federal government has been doing a long term study on the American diet. The conclusions from this report were pretty clear to understand. The American diet, as a whole, was just fine except for one glaring problem. The types of salads being consumed were insufficient due to wildly varied salad composition. A committee comprised of both politicians and nutritionists recommended that the government appoint a “Salad Czar” to properly address this growing problem.

Herman Gonzales is that person. Graduate of the Linda Evans School of Hair Styling, part time Crossing Guard, and Read-a-thon “Super Reader” certificate holder. Gonzalez’s resume reads like a laundry list of personal achievements.

“Let’s keep it simple people.” Touts the newly appointed Salad Czar Herman Gonzales. “There’s no need for any of this arugula and dandelion monkeyshine business here. Iceberg, tomato, and cucumber. Basic people, basic. Let’s master basic first. Showboating is how people die.” 

WHAT ABOUT THE DRESSING?

They also address the topic of salad dressing. The American people have been at a loss when it comes to all the choices that are out there.

“We should only allow vinegar and oil at this time! However, we know that would create an explosive tinderbox which could spark widespread rioting.” declared Mr Gonzales, “Ranch dressing is an American institution. It has crossed over from simple dressing to a full fledged condiment! We will allow, as an exception to our recommended guidelines, ranch dressing. No fancy pants versions shall be deployed! The possibility of adding other dressings in the future will be looked at on a case by case basis after we get the situation under control initially. This also applies to croutons, ham, chicken, boiled eggs, romaine lettuce and carrots.”

Mr Gonzales then issued a statement that sent the crowd gathered at this press conference into a confused murmur.

“At no time will we even consider or negotiate about Dorothy Lynch. The precise point at which the American people were led astray in their salad consumption was the creation of Dorothy Lynch. We shall not travel down that road again! We will nip Satan’s dressing in the bud!”

Mr. Gonzales contacted Dorothy Lynch about his statement. Weekly World News received her response at our headquarters via USPS. It was a case of Dorothy Lynch dressing. It is not clear whether Dorothy is trying to get us arrested for being in possession of contraband or if she is merely unloading products that can no longer be sold legally. 

One of the bottles had a post-it attached to it. It read, “The first taste is free….”