SKIPPING STRAIGHT TO 8G

Get Ready For Speed!

The big winner at this year’s Device and Technology Expo (DTE), held in late February, wasn’t a new phone, or a smart TV, or a video doorbell.

It was the newest data-transfer standard for all mobile devices. After a roughly decade on 4G, and a decade before that on 3G, the mobile world has recently arrived at 5G. But don’t get too comfortable.

“We figured that 5G would last as the industry standard for at least five or six years,” said Jason St. Sebastian, a technology analyst. “But we weren’t expecting the Romanians.”

St. Sebastian was referring to TysNet, a Romanian firm that shocked DTE audiences not only by upending the current 5G standard, but by skipping 6G and 7G and going straight to 8G.

“It’s unbelievable,” said St. Sebastian. “You have no idea how fast this is. Downloads are instant. And people get your texts before you even write them. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. Watch.” He turned to an associate who he identified only as Leona. Her phone vibrated. “Check your phone,” he told her. “Now hold it up.” She did, and showed the assembled crowd. “Do you want to get lunch?” It said.

“Did you see that?” said St. Sebastian. “Now I have to write that text.” He did.

NOT AS SOON AS YOU THINK

Consumers shouldn’t get too excited just yet. Most cell phones can’t handle 8G as currently configured. “It would overload them,” Leona said. “They would literally catch on fire. We had to put my phone and Jason’s in the freezer for about an hour for DTE to make sure that didn’t happen.”

The rollout is planned for 2022 or 2023. Even so, St. Sebastian and others are thrilled about the possibilities. 

“Your phone will be able to do your homework,” he said. “It will be able to fix your marriage. It will make you thinner and stronger and more virile. It will teach you to play piano.”

KEEPING QUIET

As exuberant as St. Sebastian may be, the Romanians who developed the technology are not talking. “They’re quiet types,” said Leona. “They just like to do their work and then do more work. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re already up to 11G, or even 12G.”

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