ANIMALS RECLAIM CITY NIGHTLIFE DURING LOCKDOWN!

“MUCH TO OUR SURPRISE, THEY SEEM TO BE FREQUENTING MUSIC CLUBS.”

Dr. Atlas Mulrooney, a renowned British zoologist, has long predicted that, should humans recede from their cities and towns, the animals pushed out of their old habitats would return to repopulate those deserted sites. He just didn’t know the extent of it.

“What I failed to take into account was the influence that modern humanity had in shaping these animals’ behavioral patterns,” he said from a “spy-tree-house” overlooking a major city. “We had expected animals to come down from the hills, wander the roads, take advantage of water supplies and abandoned nurseries. Coyotes to go after feral cats. Hawks to zero-in on bunnies. Bears to trash dumpsters.”

He wipes the brow of his head, “What we found was weird. Every species of animals, once re-introduced into towns after being exposed to human behavior for decades, forgot their natural ways of survival. They all seemed to get along. And what were they all interested in? Music. Mostly jazz and blues. Not new-agey stuff, either. Red hot, smokin’ jazz from the 1920s and 1930s! and some kick-ass classic Chicago blues.

ALL ACROSS THE NATION!

Adds musicologist and former Rolling Stone contributor Zip Menzes, “When we zeroed in on what was going on, geographically, we found that the animals reflected their surrounding human culture.”

He continues, “In Mississippi, we found this Chimp, Ol’ Doc Cheetah, who did nothing but Delta Blues. Maaan, the fireflies came out for him. It was magical. In the Southwest? We saw Coyote Slim crooning for his howling audience. In Alaska, there was Professor Brown Bear who played classical harp for an audience of clapping seals.”

Adds Dr. Mulrooney; “Down around New Orleans there were animals that took over the clubs with a combo of honky-tonk and gris-gris. We saw a chipmunk doing an entire Louis Armstrong set. And Captain Monk did a whole set of Dr. John tunes. Mr. Frog did a croak-a-long act that invited the audience to ‘urp’ in!

“THESE GUYS WERE SWINGING! AND, MAN, WERE THEY DRINKING!”

“Full band stuff was found in New York. I mean, these guys were swinging! And, man, were they drinking!”

What do these investigators conclude? “Well, animal music will fade once the Lockdowns are rescinded,” says Mulrooney. “The critters will be driven back into the hills and the ponds and the marshes.”

“Which is sad,” adds Zip Menzes, “because I could have gotten recording contracts for them all.”

“On the plus side?” says Mulrooney, “with states blindly reopening for business, totally disregarding scientific guidelines, they’ll be shutting down, again, very quickly. Body bags au go go.”

Zip Menzes nods. “If this country screws up, again, we’ll be re-opening these clubs with animals playing every night, for who knows how many years.”

“Animal music is more than Alvin and the Chipmunks and Baby Sharks,” smiles Mulrooney. “Its’ melodies and rhythms formed the basics of music from the very start. If people can’t get a grasp of what responsibility comes with being a person, then, maybe, it’s time for the animals to take over for real.”

He offers a wistful smile. “I saw a gorilla tear into a B.B. King set at Trader Vic’s. Man, his fur was perfect.”