HEARING IMPAIRED MAN WASHES HAMS!

WHEN TOLD OF HIS MISTAKE, HE RESPONDS: “I THOUGHT IT SEEMED WEIRD…BUT, WITH TRUMP?”

Police in Lemming, Arizona fielded a phone call from furloughed math teacher Ambrose Bisonette asking why he had to stay home and wash hams during his voluntary isolation. They sent a patrol car to his house. There the bandana-wearing 45-year-old was informed that the order required him to wash his hands, not his hams.

“I thought it seemed a weird thing to ask the American people to do,” he told the cops. “But with Trump as president? I just thought I’d go with it.”

Weekly World News paid a visit to Bisonette, wearing a protective mask and gloves. He greeted us warily, “Who ordered a doctor?”

After we explained who we were, he allowed us in. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “A lot of this happened because I didn’t change the batteries in my hearing aids.”

He admitted that he had been confused by the orders coming from the White House. “What was all that about social grimacing? I mean, I can grimace at people with the best of them but what’s the point? I’m wearing a mask. I can make as many faces as I want but the mask will hide them all. That seems stupid, to me.”

When informed that the order was for “social distancing” instead of “social grimacing” he let out a hardy laugh. “Dang! That makes a lot more sense. I have to tell you, I was very disappointed to have some of my best ‘grunt mug’ faces go unseen. I practiced for hours before standing two hours in the local grocery store’s line.”

HE WASHED AND DRIED Every ham Three times a day.

In terms of washing hams? “Well, since I had no hams to wash, I had to stand in line for an hour or two, grimacing, just to buy a couple. I brought home three and washed them. I mean, it was a big deal. Do you know how carefully you have to wash a ham without leading to soap residue? It’s an art, I tell you. He washed and dried every three times a day. I wasn’t sure what they would do if they weren’t properly washed. I didn’t know if this My Sharona virus would cause them to burst out with scaly tentacles and take over the city or what!”

WWE sat down with Mr. Bisonette. We gave him new batteries for his hearing aids and explained everything that was happening in the world.

“Okay,” he responded, “let me get this straight. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic and this president is saying it’s just ‘all going to go away, like magic?’”

He settled down in his chair. “I think I liked it better before I had these new hearing aid batteries. It makes more sense to wash hams.”

WHAT ABOUT HIS HAMS?

As for the hams in question? “Well, they’re very, very clean,” he said. “I guess I’ll have to eat them, now. It’ll feel like cannibalism in a way. I’ve grown very attached to them. Maybe I’ll keep the first one I bought. Bathe it. Nurture it. Make sure it’s okay.”

Confident that Bissonette had absorbed all the facts about the current condition of the country, we stood to leave. Bissonette asked a favor. “Could you make sure the ‘closed caption’ setting is always turned on on my TV? I’d hate to watch the president and think he’s saying something stupid, like ‘go outside and enjoy the day without wearing any pants.’”

He chuckled. “Those are whole other hams.”