LADY LIBERTY GETS LAID OFF!

In 1886 The Statue of Liberty was commissioned in New York City.  The dazzling dame was a gift from the French government and soon became an icon of the United States and freedom in general.  For 134 years her strong profile, long arms, and bright light comforted strangers arriving on our shores and stirred feelings of patriotism and unity.  Other than apple pie and baseball, there isn’t anything more American than this legendary figure.

Last week the world was stunned when the Statue of Liberty lost her long standing position in New York Bay.  The tawny titan was laid off as part of massive federal cutbacks in the wake of the Gootan invasion and the subsequent Covid-19 virus.

Her physical absence from Liberty Island and the New York skyline is a stark reminder of how strange these times have become. So far the Copper Lady has kept her lips welded shut about her dismissal from her illustrious post but Weekly World News was able to get a few minutes with Miss Liberty near a deserted Central Park just after daybreak.

IN HER OWN WORDS

Kitty: Good Morning Libertas.  I appreciate you taking some time to talk to me.  The first thing I want to ask is how are you?

LL: Thank you, Nobody calls me Libertas anymore. It’s so old fashioned.  I prefer Libby. How am I doing? I don’t have a lot of perspectives on it, to be honest, I’ve never done anything other than stand in New York Harbor. I guess I’m tolerating it though, better than a lot of others. 

KK: That’s a relief, I know the whole country has been concerned since you were laid off. Do you have an idea of what’s next for you?

LL: Well, the future could hold anything at this point.  Right now I’m on temporary disability but after that I plan on finding a great new job.

KK:  Disability?  Not to be rude, but what’s wrong?

LL: It’s my arm, I can’t put it down.

KK: Your right arm?

LL: Ya, the one sticking straight up.

KK:  Oh, I thought you were just giving us a little extra light.

LL: No, it’s jammed.  The orthopedist says there’s nerve damage at the very least.  I’m going to be seeing a physical therapist as soon as some of the swelling goes down.  Until then doing my nails will continue to challenge me.

KK:  It’s good to see you haven’t lost your humor.  So after your arm is healed, then what?

LL: I have a friend helping me write a resume.  It’s not easy making one job sound sufficient, even if you have been doing it for 134 years.  And I’ve been on Indeed.com looking for a good fit, but there’s not a lot of work for former icons of freedom. Fortunately, I’m covered by the stimulus package so I have a little time to figure it out.

HER NEW LIFE

KK:  Won’t you miss being famous?

LL: The guys from Mount Rushmore started a band and I may do something with them.  We’ve been talking about it for years but with everybody’s schedule… Anyhow, we all have the time now, so that’s a possibility.

KK:  What is personal life like for you now?

LL: I’ve been meeting lots of new people despite social distancing.  I made a Tinder profile. That was a big step for me. I haven’t dated at all since Ph. D. Ape and I split up.  That was a complete surprise for me, never saw it coming. But I think I’m ready for something serious again.

To be honest, finding an apartment is my most immediate concern.  I don’t have the budget for my own place and it’s been difficult finding roommates who share my need for really tall shower heads.

KK:  Where are you staying now?

LL: I’d rather not say.

KK:  I didn’t mean your exact address, what area are you in?

LL: It’s really close by.

KK:  Are you living in Central Park?

LL: It’s just temporary. The weather is really nice and I got a great spot near the Metropolitan.  I’m sure something permanent will open up soon.

KK:  Okay, wow. It sounds like you have a lot of pans in the fire.  Speaking of pans in the fire, what do you think of the White House’s handling of the Gootan situation?

LL: I don’t like to criticize but I don’t remember seeing anything handled so badly in my time here.  The administration’s denial about the presence of, and the subsequent threat of the Gootans cost our country so much.  I really hope the Federal Government reconsiders their anti- Zeeban stance and allow them to help us fight the Gootans and the virus at the same time.

SHE ENDORSES A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!

LL: Hopefully November will provide us with new, adequate leadership.  Batboy offers exactly the sort of direction I mean. His pro-science, pro-mutant platform provides precisely what this country needs in these trying times.

KK:  Another BatGirl!  That’s great. Thank you so much for meeting with me this morning.  I  think I speak for all Americans when I say please take good care of yourself.  We hope for your return to your previous pedestal and a return of your ideals to our country.

LL; Thank you, this has been a pleasure.  Do you have a dollar I can borrow?

KK: No.

LL: How about a cigarette?