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CALIFORNIA CITY SWEARS IN DINOSAUR AS COP

Offisaurus already most popular on force!

A small California city has been among the most progressive in the country when it comes to policing. 

Spot’s Hook, in the far northern part of the state, was the first city in the country to experiment with community-based pay, maglev police cars, and on-the-job hypnosis. 

Now the city is shattering another barrier by naming the first-ever dinosaur cop. “Randy,” a Pachycephalosaurus recently discovered in a cavern and reanimated by a process that has not yet been explained to the satisfaction of anyone, was sworn in as a traffic cop last Saturday.

“Look,” said Spot’s Hook’s police chief, Brendan Butcher. “As far as I’m concerned, he’s just like any other newcomer. He has to learn the ropes. He has to earn the trust of the community.”

But Butcher concedes that his uncommon background may give him an advantage. “Sure,” he said, “that doesn’t hurt. He’s a big attraction already. We have him stationed at the corner of Leston and Broad Streets, and kids are congregating there after school. Who wouldn’t want to see a dinosaur?”

RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE

As a traffic cop, Randy is responsible for requiring drivers to slow down in the school zone, checking that meters are fed with regularity, and also instructing children as to road safety, sidewalk safety, and the relationship between the two. He also occasionally needs to move cars out of handicapped spaces.

“It’s a good thing he’s strong,” said Butcher. “He’s a bone-headed bi-pedal dinosaur. By ‘bone-headed,’ I mean that he literally has a hard head. He’s pachycephalosaurid. I don’t mean that he’s stupid or has bad judgment. We have turned their anatomical status into a cheap-shot joke. Can you believe it? We should be ashamed of our ignorance. Another misconception is that he’s a killer, even though he eats leaves, seeds, and fruit.”

Butcher added that he has mandated sensitivity classes to help teach other officers how to interact with Randy in a way that is mutually respectful. “On his first day,” Butcher said, “he was going out to his cruiser, and he couldn’t find his keys, and one of the other rookies made a ‘Land of the Lost Keys’ crack. Not acceptable. Not that, not Jurassic Park, not Flintstones. It’s a sore spot. Make sure you spell that s-o-r-e so it’s clear that I’m not making a s-a-u-r joke.” 

CANNOT SPEAK

What does Spot’s Hook’s newest cop think of all this? Randy, a dinosaur, cannot speak. But he has begun to work with an assistive keyboard and has developed the capacity to communicate in simple declarative statements. “Randy happy,” he said. “Randy a cop. Randy protect. Randy serve.”

And Randy also want to move up the ladder. “I know he’d prefer to be a patrolman or even a detective,” Butcher said. “But he doesn’t have any seniority. Rookies don’t get to pick their assignment.”

Still, he has high hopes for the newcomer. “He’s already shown a willingness to learn. It’s kind of weird that he’s both the newest cop and the oldest. No, not weird. There’s another word for it. Ironic? Contradictory? Comical?” Butcher went on for several minutes before zeroing in on the word he wanted. “Paradoxical!” he shouted. 

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1 thought on “CALIFORNIA CITY SWEARS IN DINOSAUR AS COP”

  1. I hate to say this but Illinois had beaten California to the punch. Years ago, Macon county had a Dino Sheriff named Lee Holsapple.

    Reply

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