WASHINGTON, DC – The latest Washington sex scandal makes the Presidential Impeachment trial look like an innocent game of spin the bottle. At least 46 top politicians – including Sen. Bob Menendez, Sen Lindsay Grahan, and Congresswoman Lucy Williams – have reportedly had flings with the world’s first Bigfoot hooker!
And shockingly, the sexy Sasquatch, known only as “Helen,” is about to reveal all their names in an upcoming book, The Hairy Hooker Does D.C.
“The Bigfoot’s client list includes many staunch evangelicals,” reveals a Capitol Hill insider. “They know interspecies sex is wrong, but they find Helen irresistible.”
Husky Helen stands over seven feet tall and is covered head to toe in fur. She reportedly counts among her satisfied johns 25 congressmen, 14 U.S. senators, two Supreme Court judges, and a prominent Cabinet member.
A shocking photo recently surfaced showing Helen propositioning a Congressional Impeachment clerk. It happened while he was waiting at a Washington traffic light. The clerk seemed interested at first. However, when Helen suggested kinky group sex with a White House aide, he declined. In contrast, other D.C. movers and shakers may not have been so discrete.
“These men (and a few women) counted on the Bigfoot’s discretion,” the insider explains. “They figured that since she only grunts, they could have their kinky fun without constituents learning their shameful secret.
THE HAIRY HOOKER SPILLS THE BEANS
“Unfortunately, a primate specialist learned to communicate with Helen using sign language – and he’s coauthored her memoirs.
“Helen’s book names names. Some of the most powerful men in our nation’s capital are running scared.”
Weekly World News first told readers about Helen back in July 2014. Eyewitnesses in Beasley, Canada recounted how they saw the lumbering lady of the evening amble out of the wilderness onto a street corner frequented by prostitutes.
Many working girls fled in terror, but one enterprising pimp saw a business opportunity.
“Training Helen was easy – she’s a natural sex worker,” says the Bigfoot’s pimp, Francois Derigaux. “A few snacks for rewards and she was turning tricks.”
Delighted customers gushed that cuddling with the colossal cuties is like “nestling in a mink coat.”
After our story first ran, hundreds of love-starved Americans converged on the remote town seeking “dates” with the unique prostitute. Because of all this interest, Francois recognized Helen’s money-making potential.
“I asked myself. “Where are the richest, horniest men in America’ “ he says. “The answer: Washington DC.”
Surprisingly, Helen has been a hit ever since she arrived in D.C. in September. His giant call girl has raked in an average of $10,000 per night.
“Thanks to word of mouth, curious politicians call our hotel nonstop,” boasts Francois. “Once they give Bigfoot sex a whirl, they’re hooked.”
Primatologist Dr. Alan Kingfer embarked on the signing lessons with purely scientific aims.
“Teaching sign language to a Bigfoot presented unique challenges,” he says. “But I can’t deny that the revelations Helen made about politicians are fascinating.”
of Bigfoot Hooker
WHAT ELSE IS IN HELEN’S BOOK?
Among the juicy tidbits exposed in the tell-all:
- One high-level Republican party insider brings hirsute Helen flowers on every visit.
- Ultraconservative broadcaster relishes role-play games including “Kidnap the lumberjack” with the Bigfoot beauty.
- The lesbian daughter of one politician paid for a private “pajama party” with the towering temptress.
It might seem inconceivable that the most respected men in America would stoop to whoopee with a Bigfoot.
Finally, sexologist Janice Reevely explains: “Our leaders are under incredible stress from making decisions that affect the fate of the nation. For them, it’s a relief to submit to a powerful female.
“Also, men feel they can be uninhibited around this ‘she-beast.’ Helen brings out the animal in them.”
