NORTH POLE, AK – Just when it seems that things couldn’t get worse for Christmas, authorities arrested Mrs. Claus in the North Pole today. They stormed Mrs. Claus’s Snowy Heights penthouse, arresting Mrs. Claus, Blitzen, and Donner. They seized evidence including personal computers, toys, and pumpkin pies.
The trio were apprehended soon after Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer testified at the United Nations. Mrs. Claus, currently awaiting a hearing, is being held at The Fairbanks Correctional Facility in Alaska. Meanwhile, Blitzen and Donner are being transported to Blegdamsvej Prison, in Norway. Cupid and Poughkeepsie Bobcock fled the scene just ahead of agents and remain at large.
RUDOLPH THE RAT?
Today’s arrests were the result of the testimony given by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He did this in exchange for his early release from Blegdamsvej Prison. Rudolph appeared before the UN Council on drug trafficking yesterday. During eight hours of grueling questioning, Rudolph made a number of surprising allegations that implicated Mrs. Claus, Blitzen, Donner, and Cupid.
Rudolph also indicated that Poughkeepsie Bobcock, Speaker of the Elves, knew of the alleged crimes long before he reported them to authorities. Rudolph that Bobcock was complicit in the operation, only turning to the FBI when relations with Mrs. Claus soured.
Last month in Norway, Rudolf was arrested with Santa Claus. They were both charged with being kingpins in a worldwide crime network. Charges included drug trafficking, racketeering, and child endangerment.
THE GETAWAY RIDE?
Santa’s magical sleigh was also brought up on criminal charges. The sleigh was allegedly used to whisk contraband around the globe. But in his testimony yesterday Rudolf suggested a different scenario. He planted Mrs. Claus directly in the middle of the operation. He described her as a hard-nosed mob boss, which brought several delegates to tears. Rudolf also implicated Poughkeepsie Bobcock, who apparently acted as Mrs. Claus’s right-hand elf. There are rumors that Bobcock is Mrs. Claus’ lover. There is a worldwide APB our for Cupid and Bobcock. There have been several unconfirmed sightings but the pair remains at large tonight. If you see them, don’t approach them, just alert authorities.
The world is still reeling from the news of Mrs. Claus’ arrest, shocking children and adults alike. Together with Santa’s stay at a rehab center, the latest news has caused widespread alarm around the world. Mr. and Mrs. Claus are both under the watchful eyes of authorities as the big night rapidly approaches.
Retailers are already feeling the impact of these arrests as they are reporting sluggish sales so far this season. Also, children around the world have been acting up, feeling that Santa may not be watching them. They are not afraid. Some feel that if anyone deserves coal this year, it’s Santa.
Worst of all, yuletide enthusiasts fear the millennials will use these events to cancel Christmas like they canceled Thanksgiving.
Weekly World News is hoping for a Christmas miracle – and that Santa will be able to make his ride. But we will keep following this story.
My Pirate Cats have saved Santa twice, once in 2005 and again in 2008 and they are capable of doing it again. By again I mean ANY beginning since their Pirate brigantine is capable of sailing the Seven Seas of Space and time.