“I HAD SEX WITH SATAN”

HOT SPRINGS, AR – Marlena Yushenko, an Executive Assistant with Tomchow Partners, held a press conference today to tell the world that she had sex with Satan last Saturday night.

Ms. Yushenko, a 37-year-old divorced woman with two children, told Weekly World News her encounter with Satan happened last Saturday, October 26th. “It’s a night I will never forget, as long as I live. And guess what? Satan told me I’m going to live a long time,” Marlena said.

She went out last weekend to The Big Chill, a popular singles bar in Hot Springs. “Everybody at the bar was dressed in costumes. I went as a sexy nun because, well because it was fun and because I’m sexy. I looked really, really hot.” Marlena told reporters.

“I first saw Satan over by the karaoke machine. He was flipping through the book of songs and he picked out Wagon Wheel, which is one of my very favorite songs of all time. Satan then leaped onto the stage and sang Wagon Wheel. He sang so beautifully. God, what a voice.” She added, “He sounded even better than Darius Rucker.”

STEPPING UP TO SATAN

“At first, I thought he was Jimmy-Joe Watkins, who always loves to dress up like the devil on Halloween. But when he started crooning, well I knew that wasn’t Jimmy-Joe. Not at all.

“When Satan finished singing the song, I went right up to him and told him how much I liked his smooth voice and he told me how much he liked my nun outfit, especially because he could see my red thong, which he really liked,” said Marlena. “Did I tell you how hot I looked?”

She told reporters that “one thing led to about ten others” and Satan took her outside to the nearby woods. “I was all hot and bothered. I was really steamy. But I don’t do that sort of thing in the woods, and I didn’t want to leave my friend, Sasha, alone in the bar, especially because Chuck was hitting on her again. But Satan told me not to worry,” she said. “And I didn’t.”

The next thing that happened blew Marlena’s mind. “Satan waved his flaming trident and a big hole opened in the ground and we dropped like a rocket all the way down to Hades,” an animated Marlena said.

SATAN’S LOVE LAIR

“That’s when I knew he wasn’t just a regular good ole boy, and that he was, in fact, Satan,” Marlena continued. “I was really burning up. He told me that he was burning up, too, because I was so hot. God, I thought he was so damn romantic.

“So he took me to his private lair, which seemed to be air-conditioned. And then, well… I must tell you that I had the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Bar none. Not even Jimmy-Joe.”

They took a little break and Marlena looked out the window at all the fallen angels lying on the ground. Satan told her that the fallen angels were all being well taken care of, that they were happy in Hades. “Then we went back into his lair and… wow! That’s all I can say. Wow!”

When Satan and Marlena were done having their fun, Satan took her “upstairs”. He brought her back to her friend Sasha.

“I have been on Cloud 666 ever since then,” Marlena said. “Satan has done a lot of bad things. I know that. I ain’t dumb. But there is no better lover in this world, or down in that underworld. That I know more sure. I’m going to keep wearing my sexy nun outfit because I can’t wait until he comes back!”