HOUSTON, TX – Real zombies have had it! They are tired of the annual parade of fake zombies that appear every Halloween. And now, they are fighting back!
Real Zombies are actively seeking out fake zombies around Houston – and across America. They have decided to hunt and eat anybody who dresses as a zombie for Halloween.
“We get no respect,” said Jebediah Monroe, who has been a card-carrying zombie for over 200 years. “We have to deal with this bullshit every year. People dress up, go out and pretend to be zombies. But they are not! They would never really eat anybody’s brains. They are all fakers!”
In this age of fake news, Zombies want to protect their image – and their turf. “If there’s a bunch of fake zombies out there scaring away people, that it makes it much harder for us to get what we need from people. We can’t survive without brains, and if these fakers keep at it, there will be a real brain shortage that will really have an impact on the Zombie community,” Monroe added.
HAUNTED HOUSES WILL BE THEIR FIRST STOP
Real Zombies told Weekly World News that they will be targeting Haunted Houses first. “There’s a lot of actors performing in these places and they are trying to imitate us. We don’t think they are scary at all, but they are making people scream and run,” another real zombie, Sarabeth Wilkins told us. “These actors don’t know what it’s like to be a real zombie. They don’t know what we have to go through day in and day out.”
Zombie Sarabeth added, “These haunted houses could hire real zombies instead of these fakers. You wouldn’t hire a white actor to play an American Indian, would you?”
The real Zombies seem extremely agitated. They mean business. They want to rid the world of fake zombies. “If we don’t stop them now, they’ll start breeding like Elvis impersonators,” said Zombie Sarabeth.
The Real Zombies are excited about the week leading up to Halloween. “We are focused and have a clear-cut mission. We are going to eat these fake zombies first, and then we will eat… whoever we damn please!”
This reporter witnessed three Real Zombies take out an entire fraternity at Penn State University. The frat boys made the mistake of all dressing up as zombies for a party. At least the university won’t have to worry about closing the dorm. There’s nobody left to kick out of school.
A bit of unsolicited Weekly World News advice: if you want to stay alive, don’t dress as a zombie this Halloween!