Smoking Puppies!
Faced with dying customers, restrictive laws, and lawsuits from smokers who get sick from using their product, cigarette companies have been on a desperate search for a new customer base. Now they believe they’ve found it.
Headlines
Bigfoot Duck Hunting!
Brothers Luke and Rob Wiley were sitting by Sumter Lake early one morning, preparing their duck decoys, when they heard loud footsteps in the woods behind them. “We assumed it was another hunter,” said Rob.
Top Secret Navy Whale Sniffs Out Enemy Mines!
Fresh baked bread from your favorite bakery, a warm apple pie on the windowsill…underwater enemy attacks?
Former Jim Jones Acolyte Now CEO of Gatorade!
In need of a leadership shift, Gatorade hired former Jim Jones acolyte Jonathan Ratliff, who not only has been working closely with Gatorade developers for the past 12 years, but also played a pivotal role in the largest mass suicide in the past 1900 years.
Corpse Plane To Paradise
“You’d be surprised how many people die down here every week,” said 63-year-old Timothy Kodera, Airborne Hygiene Consultant for the New York City Sanitation Department.
Civil War Babies
During the Civil War, the Confederacy won a victory in the Battle of Chickamauga and the North’s need for more soldiers forced President Lincoln to create a new branch of the infantry.
Lonely Doctor is Suture Happy
Playboy Kurt Fulson has never made a proposal on his knee. “Though I have, in fact, just received one there,” the billionaire told Weekly World News.