DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: FACEBOOK

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Date-Proof My Facebook Page

Q. You talk about the Internet and dating a good amount and from my perspective, Facebook is the social hub of all that. I don’t want my profile to ever get in the way of dating – how do I date-proof it? – Gordon “ALF” Shumway, Melmac

Great question. I think Facebook is the first place we turn for information on another person – and it’s safe to assume that our profiles are getting the same type of scrutiny. If we’ve learned anything from “The Social Network” it’s that the kid from Zombieland invented Facebook to get blowjobs in bathroom stalls; and also that Facebook is so culturally ingrained – and so important – that we could all sit through a 2-hour movie about nerds suing each other with rapt attention. So, in this new relevant social environment, we need to put our best foot forwards, because guess what? It matters now. Here are a few tips:

Profile Picture

If you want to date in the year 2010 then you have to have a good profile picture. I don’t care if the picture isn’t you, just remember one thing: A-L-B…Always Look Bone-able. Its your virtual face to the world, and this girl you’re potentially going out with is going to show her friends, parents, coworkers, and more importantly, her exes she accidentally sees out (on purpose). Public opinion rules the day. Bottom line: look good, even if that photo needs to be taken from 40 feet away.

An important note on this: people often forget that when they change their profile picture, the old one is left behind in a whole album of profile pictures. These are pictures from your first day of Facebook all the way to today; it’s basically a flip-book of how fat a person has gotten. Also, if you’re the type of guy that likes putting every girlfriend-of-the-month in your profile picture (why are you?), know that you have now given every girl a chance to see a police line-up of every stank you’ve stanked. Long story short: don’t get lazy and clean it up.

The Wall

Think of the wall as a tattoo on your face. Your “friends” are going to read that tattoo, and then wonder what it all means. And if some girl you bedded three years ago writes on it to see “if you ever think about our unborn child?” (bad) or even if all they want to write is: “;)” (even worse), then whomever your trying to date is going to wonder who on earth this person is. I treat my wall with great care; I keep it clean and I wash off the crap that gets piled onto it. Is this paranoid? Sure. Just don’t ask me why she turned you down for the second date after you left the comma-and-dollar-sign-penis drawing on your wall.

Poke

What? No.

I think we’ve actually gotten to the point where poking someone on Facebook is even creepier than poking a stranger in real life. With your boner.

Status update

Its going to be tough for me to see myself dating anyone who has to update everyone they know that they are playing in the park, or they just had a delicious sandwich, or that they just pinched off a hairy one in the public restroom. If a person is that into himself or herself that they think everyone cares then you want to stay away. That said, don’t be that person. Think of status updates like smoking – one or two, here and there is fine (especially while drunk), but get up to a pack-a-day, and your clothes and breath start to smell like desperation, narcissism, and the 50-year-old woman at the end of the bar that you just banged, like, one time, MAYBE…so everybody get off your friggin’ back already.

Tagged Pictures

“To tag or not to tag. That is the question.” Shakespeare wrote that, after a few questionable photos leaked of him ripping lines off an Elizabethan urinal.  And 60,000 years later, truer words couldn’t be spoken

You want the truth? Really?

I de-tag.

That’s right. There I said it. Oh man that felt good. My thought is I want to control as much as I can on Facebook and if I don’t like a picture then why should I have to live with it? Because some girl wants everyone to see how awesome her birthday dinner was? You know what’s not awesome? When I got so drunk I took off my shirt and smeared birthday cake on my nipples – all of a sudden my friends turned into Asian tourists.

So feel free to de-tag but also don’t be that person who has no tagged photos. Every potential suitor will have one question – What’s to hide?

Facebook gives you a small corner of the Internet that is all your own. Think of it like where you live; keep this space clean so that when your “friends” break in and look around for a few hours (and they will), they can look but really not have much to talk about. Otherwise, your “friends” will look, they will judge, and I can promise you they will never say a word to you. Be afraid. And, of course, A.L.B.

You’re Welcome,

Train

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

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