HOLLYWOOD HOOPLAH

“IS THAT NOSE UGLY OR WHAT?” CANCELLED!

MORE TV SHAKE-UPS ON THE WAY

Hello from Hollyweird boys and girls. Fall has come to Hollywood, which is turning out to be the same as summer and spring. Studios had thought they’d be up and running, again, and the pandemic would be over. Now, a lot of projects are stalled or cancelled. After its 10th year on basic cable, the long-running show “Is That Nose Ugly or What?” was yanked. The reason? The contestants vying for the scariest schnozzle award were forced to wear facemasks.

“We tried everything,” said producer Van Clive. “We knew how important this show was to our audience. In these times of complex problems, sometimes it’s just a joy to wipe the mind clean and laugh at others’ physical deformities.”

The hardworking producer tried everything to stave off cancellation, even outdoor filming. “We booked a place in the country. We weren’t there ten minutes when eleven of the twelve started sneezing rapid-fire. It was like watching ‘The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.’ Bodies were lurching everywhere.”

What about the twelfth contestant?

“Heart attack. Never saw it coming.”

AROUND THE DIAL

In other TV-oriented news, Nextflix has dropped plans for its 24-hour streaming channel “Cross-Walk.” The show featured a different NYC crosswalk each episode. Several cameras filmed everything that goes on there every minute of the day. Presumably, the intended-audience consisted of people who wave “bye-bye” to passing cars from the front porch. The initial try-out did not attract a sizeable audience but it did lead to 35 arrests and six lawsuits.

Amazon Prime, meanwhile, is financing the first twenty seasons of “America’s Worst Car Crashes.” The show is produced by Hollywood slasher film legend, Davie “Drooler” Fitt. In a home filled with rolling clouds of pot, he was enthusiastic about his new TV career.

From within a cloud, we heard: “This could be the end of horror movies over the long-haul,” he said. “You won’t need plots. You’ve never wanted plots. You just get the kill-scenes. And once this show takes off? We’ll expand on the franchise. Road rage. Riots.

Gang battles. I was born to do this! Or something else. I like cabbage. But, then again, who doesn’t?”

Sources around TV-ville tell me that Jared Kushner made a secret stop in Los Angeles to take a full day of photos. He’s looking for photo shoots that could land him brand work or launch his TV/movie career.

“Baby Shark” is now the most viewed video on YouTube. Mensa has announced plans to leave the planet.

Jared Kushner is up for the lead role in TV’s “Village of the Damned: The Varsity Years.”

GARY BUSEY TO STAR IN ROCKY ROADKILL

One of Hollywood’s most beloved celebrities, Gary Busey, is in the running to star in “Rocky Roadkill,” the story of an avenging raccoon.

Said Dick Hyman, president of the Hyman Group and producer of the film, “This is ‘Death Wish’ but with a raccoon. Our hero, Rocky, is crossing a country road at night. A Jeep filled with raucous, evil, and buxom teenagers takes aim at him. They squoosh him. One girl in the Jeep, the newbie, screams, and leaps out of the car to help the injured Rocky. The jeep backs up again, almost running her over. He manages to roll over off the road. The Jeep takes off leaving the innocent but top-heavy girl to mourn Rocky.”

He noticed our WTF? look. “Stay with me, here. Rocky is discovered by a few squirrels who decide to help him. They take him to the High Squirrel Priest of Chitter, who uses ancient forest magic to both heal Rocky and teach him the art of squirrel acrobatics in trees. Ever watch squirrels? It’s like Tarzan on meth.

He noticed our WTF? look. “Stay with me, here. Rocky is discovered by a few squirrels who decide to help him. They take him to the High Squirrel Priest of Chitter, who uses ancient forest magic to both heal Rocky and teach him the art of squirrel acrobatics in trees. Ever watch squirrels? It’s like Tarzan on meth.

“So, wearing an eye-patch, a healed Rocky sets off to find the kids who left him for dead. From that point on, it’s slasher time! We’ve hired Davie “Drooler” Fitt to direct.”

How does Busey fit into all this?

“He’ll be the voice of Rocky. Rocky itself will be a series of animatronic, hand, and bladder puppets. He’ll have full facial features and homicidal breathing that’s connected to air bladder bulbs. I accidentally sat on a bulb yesterday and blew Rocky apart, so I hope that’s still going to be available.”

As for the status of the film? “Well,” said Hyman, “I hope it’s filmed by next month. If not, we’ll have a loan shark problem. I talked to Gary, yesterday, and I have no idea what he said. He’s either committed to this film or is off to Finland to see people with fins.”

THIS AND THAT

Uninformed sources say that AARP will be launching a cable channel, soon. All shows will be split-screen. The actual show playing on one side of the screen and a snoring nose featured on the other. If you ignore or do not play the snoring sound, the channel will assume you’re watching the show and eliminate the snoring. They’ll re-introduce the snoring on the half-hour and, if you don’t object to it? They shut the show down within five minutes and just go with the snoring, allowing the audience to snooze without any feelings of guilt about missing the show.

With a British court ruling that, indeed, a British newspaper has the right to call Johnny Depp a “wife beater,” rumors abound that Depp is ready to turn professional lemons into lemonade by introducing a line of Johnny Depp “Egg Beaters,” part of a new passive-aggressive brand of culinary tools. Each Egg Beater will include a coupon for a discount bail bondsman.

Kanye West has announced plans to run for Pope. When West was informed that Popes must be priests. And that they are always Catholics, West smiled. “Change is gonna come,” he said. “Why not a Baptist? Why not a Jew?” He then returned to chewing on a phone book.

And that’s it for this installment of Hollywood Hooplah, the gossip report that dares to use the word “hooplah” in broad daylight.