WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama held a bipartisan Health Care Summit yesterday. To keep opposing factions together he summoned the snow gods to bring a blizzard!
Yesterday’s Health Care Summit lasted for over six hours and broke records as being the most work legislators have done in months. News crews and hundreds of television cameras forced politicians to talk about health care reform while in a room together. Some claim the highly televised event was an act of “political theater” intended to put on a show. However insiders believe the presence of cameras kept the politicians on task, discouraging the fist fights and beer pong matches that are so often a part of the political process. To help push the health care bill forward, President Obama even summoned the elder snow gods to bring a blizzard and keep law makers trapped in a room together.
President Obama has summoned the elder gods of the North, to bring a blizzard which is currently pounding the eastern seaboard. Earlier this week he met with his Secretary of Paranormal Activity to determine an appropriate ritual. He and Secretary Mabius decided on a ritual to summon the elder winter gods of the North to help keep politicians talking yesterday. Great lengths were required to keep opposing factions in a room together for six hours. Lawmakers from both parties, predominantly elderly white men, were sufficiently scared to go outside once the snow began for fear they might fall and break a hip then have to rely on the health care system they refused to fix for political reasons.
White House spokespeople confirm that no animals were harmed in the ritual itself. The skin of a polar bear, which died of natural causes, was worn by the President in the White House Rose Garden. There he made a deal with the elder gods, and in exchange for snow he gave them tax exempt status as a state recognized religious institution. Schools and businesses throughout the Northeastern United States are closed today due to the President’s incantation.