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I’m madder than a flea on a soapy dog! There’s this crazy rumor going around the computers that I’m dead! Well, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. If I was dead, how could I be writing this?

What with everybody dying last week, I guess it was bound to happen, but it still ticks me off. I go hiking for a couple of days on the Appalachian Trail, and I get back to find folks peeping on that that I’ve gone to the great Gun Show in the Sky.

Well, you can’t get rid of old Ed Anger that easy. Those Hollywood types might be dropping like flies but I’m made of stronger stuff. I didn’t single-handedly storm Pork Chop Hill, kill a hundred commies and live to tell the tale just to keel over now.

There’s too much that needs to be done to save America and only Ed Anger can do it!

The Teleprompter Kid and the Hair Club for Men Vice President and Nancy Puglosi and Barney Spank are bound and determined to ruin this great country of ours.

They want the DMV and the Post Office to run the hospitals!

They want to take away your house and give it to welfare bums! They want to take away your guns too, and your talk radio shows and your light bulbs and your air conditioning!

Nope, I can’t die now! So I’ve been stocking up on oxygen tanks and canned beans and bottled water. Ed Anger is here for the duration!

So look out, all you leftover hippies and liberal traitors: Ed Anger is still breathing! And as long as I’ve got WD-40 for my wheelchair and a pantry full of tinned chili, I’ll be on your tail.

Consider yourselves warned!