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Just when you thought we had enough to worry about, there’s a new disease going around. This swine flu thing is coming up from Mexico, which makes me gladder than ever I do like every good American and mow my own damn lawn. I don’t eat their funny food or wear big straw hats, so I figure I’m safe.

We keep hearing reports from Mexican scientists – hell, I never knew they had scientists down there in the first place! What do they do all day? Predict when the Virgin Mary’s gonna show up again? Invent fart-free beans?

Last time we had swine flu, Jimmy Carter was President. He gave people needles and they dropped dead! Typical: Democrats are always trying to fix stuff by making it worse. Today we’ve got the new Jimmy Carter in the White House, so if the Teleprompter Kid tries to stick a needle in your arm, run for your life!

If we had a wall at the Mexican border, none of this would be happening. I bet that Janet Neapolitan will say the flu’s coming over the Canadian border instead, and call it “beaver flu”! Cuz we can’t make Mexico mad at us. After all, they may punish us by sending all their poor people to live here and steal our jobs and suck our schools and hospitals dry, and we can’t have that!

They say this new flu is spread by pigs. Maybe pigs are just ticked off at us for making footballs out of them, and comparing them to Rosie O’Donnell.

We should’ve seen this coming when Mama Cass choked on that ham sandwich! Pigs are getting their revenge on mankind, America! Wake up and smell the bacon!