SMITHDALE, VA – Since their defeat on Election Day, Republicans have questioned what will be the new direction of their party.
The party has been divided since John McCain’s defeat, searching for a figurehead to lead the charge against the democratic majority in Washington.
Karl Rove held a conference in his mountaintop castle to summon the next great conservative leader.
Rove, who acted as President Bush’s top advisor for years, has been communing with the dead and making deals with dark forces in his search for ways to secure Republican power.
A breakthrough was made on Tuesday and the political commentator sent notes attached to the legs of ravens requesting the presence of top conservatives.
Under Wednesday’s full moon, heads of the Republican Party gathered in a dark ritual to summon their next leader.
A séance was held with Pro-Life leaders and Focus on the Family members seated around the bones of Joseph McCarthy. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh used a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Copies of the Drudge Report were smeared with chicken’s blood and read backwards. Newt Gingrich attended via telecom. A dozen Young Republican virgins were sacrificed so Ann Coulter could bathe in their blood. At the stroke of midnight, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, culminating the séance and hopefully opening a portal to summon the next great conservative leader.
The ritual failed, however, due to John Ashcroft substituting ketchup when they had run out of chicken’s blood.
It is believed Republicans will repeat this and other rituals until they find their parties next leader.
Current President Bush spent Wednesday evening at home playing Xbox.