WASHINGTON – U.S. Army is now allowing minors to serve in the military in preparation for a war with Libya.

The U.S. armed forces are looking to increase the number of available ground troops in order to prepare for an invasion of Libya. And with the U.S. being overextended in several countries due to its current war efforts, the U.S. Army has now decided to allow Americans as young as 10 years of age to enlist.

The decision came shortly after the U.S. Army announcement that a young boy from Louisiana would be an honorary member. Upon seeing the motivation and excitement from the recent young recruit, General George W. Casey Jr. got the idea to make the radical decision allowing children to enlist.

“The situation in Libya is just getting out of control and we can no longer sit idly by,” explained General Casey, “We need to get troops on the ground there ASAP, but with most all of our troops still in Afghanistan and Iraq, we see no other choice but to lower the enrollment age.”

Several parents groups are up in arms over the announcement that the U.S. military is now actively trying to enlist minors into the armed services.

“It’s bad enough that they have Army recruitment facilities in malls throughout the U.S. These facilities have been nothing more than an arcade that allows kids to play video games for free. But now adding the element of attempting to coerce children into enlisting, that is just unconscionable!” said Shelly Silverman president of the newly formed organization Mothers Against Recruiting Teens and Youngster Recruitment.

However, not everyone sees this as a bad thing though.

“Most of the kids in America need a swift kick in the pants anyway. They all think that they know what war is all about because they play Call of Duty and Metal of Honor on their Xboxs and PS3s, but they don’t know crap about war,” said Bill Meriwether, a decorated war vet, “Have any of these 10 year olds video jockeys held a man in their arms as he bleeds to death from shrapnel being logged in his genitals? I doubt it. I say let ‘em get their hands dirty and see what it’s all about.”

Currently, minors may only enlist on a volunteer basis but do not require parental consent. No word if the draft will be reinstated. It is still up for debate. But based on the overwhelming need for troops and the recent decision to enlist youngsters, it will only be a matter of months before everyone from 10 to 55 will be drafted for the impending war with Libya.

REDMOND, WA – Bill Gates announced that the technology used to make the Xbox Kinect was created by an aliens.

Aliens are getting into the gaming industry… and MicroSoft has signed them all up!

“The software used in the new Xbox connect did not come from this planet,” said Gates in a press release. Gates told reporters that he hired a team of extra-terrestrials to design the motion-controlled technology used in the Xbox Kinect.

The Xbox Kinect works using a series of voice and motion activated sensors. The lenses monitor the position of the user in space, while the microphones respond to voice commands and vocal instructions.

“The technology is too advanced to be from this planet,” said Vince Alamonte, a professor of software engineering at Tucson State University. “The Kinect’s motion control system is way too sensitive to be designed by a human being, and the new infrared projectors just couldn’t have been built on planet Earth. We don’t have the technology.”

The Kinect’s unique multi-lens design tracks 48 parts of the human body in three-dimensional space. Users have the ability to control games by moving their heads, hands, torsos, knees, and feet.

“It’s the perfect way for aliens to spy on us,” said Alamonte. “Now they can keep tabs on us day and night. Every time you turn on your Xbox, they’ll be watching.”

Allegations have already surfaced stating that the Kinect contains serious software malfunctions. Several users registered complaints with the Microsoft Corporation, claiming that their Xbox Kinect units tried to probe them in their sleep.

“That’s what happens when you ask an alien to do a man’s job,” said Bill Brigsby, a self-professed alien hunter from Roswell. “You give an alien any piece of technology, and he’ll find a way to stick it up your butt. It’s just what they do. That’s why half the proctologists in America are aliens.”

According to the Center for Extra-terrestrial Life, a Cleveland based alien research group, the Xbox Kinect is not the only piece of human technology that has been designed by aliens.

“The Xbox Kinect joins a long list of devices that have been designed by aliens but used by humans,” said Janet Sherman, the group’s leading scientist. “You also have the microwave, the portable DVD player, and the underwater camera. Oh, and rectal thermometers. That one’s pretty obvious.”

As of press time, Bill Gates has yet to decide whether or not he is going to recall the roughly 1 million Xbox Kinects that have been sold so far.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a phone interview. “I really shouldn’t even be talking about this. They said I couldn’t tell anyone or they’d kill me. Now that the word is out, I’m afraid they might be coming for us. If I were you, I’d cover my butt and get the heck out of here!”

RICHMOND, VA – A couple is claiming their dog bought $62 worth of points on their Xbox!

Greg Strope says that while he and his girlfriend were sleeping, their dog decided to use the Xbox controller as a chew toy.

Stroke had saved his credit card information online. As the dog chewed away, he somehow made it through the online store menu, and, well, take a look:

SMITHDALE, VA – Since their defeat on Election Day, Republicans have questioned what will be the new direction of their party.

The party has been divided since John McCain’s defeat, searching for a figurehead to lead the charge against the democratic majority in Washington.

Karl Rove held a conference in his mountaintop castle to summon the next great conservative leader.

Rove, who acted as President Bush’s top advisor for years, has been communing with the dead and making deals with dark forces in his search for ways to secure Republican power.

A breakthrough was made on Tuesday and the political commentator sent notes attached to the legs of ravens requesting the presence of top conservatives.

Under Wednesday’s full moon, heads of the Republican Party gathered in a dark ritual to summon their next leader.

A séance was held with Pro-Life leaders and Focus on the Family members seated around the bones of Joseph McCarthy. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh used a Ouija board to contact the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Copies of the Drudge Report were smeared with chicken’s blood and read backwards. Newt Gingrich attended via telecom. A dozen Young Republican virgins were sacrificed so Ann Coulter could bathe in their blood. At the stroke of midnight, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, culminating the séance and hopefully opening a portal to summon the next great conservative leader.

The ritual failed, however, due to John Ashcroft substituting ketchup when they had run out of chicken’s blood.

It is believed Republicans will repeat this and other rituals until they find their parties next leader.

Current President Bush spent Wednesday evening at home playing Xbox.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3826/gop-gathers-to-summon-next-leader/feed/ 0 Reginald Cunningham III conservativeseance http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/2780/palin-hackers-expose-bristols-baby-shower-pics/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/2780/palin-hackers-expose-bristols-baby-shower-pics/#comments Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:14:39 +0000 Hideaki Tailor http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=2780 ]]>

GIVES DAUGHTER CAMOUFLAGE BABY BJORN MADE FOR HUNTING

After the Anonymous group hacked into Sarah Palin’s personal email account, the group gave Weekly World News exclusive photos of Palin’s secret baby shower for her daughter Bristol.

The photos show the gifts for the unborn baby and mother-to-be included the new Jonas Brothers album, lipstick, rifle ammunition and a special snowmobile-adapted baby seat.

Further examination reveals that each guest was given a gift bag of sunless tanner, voter registration cards and ‘Jesus is my Co-Pilot” bumper stickers.

The most memorable photo shows Bristol Palin happily accepting a matching camouflage Baby Bjorn that the Governor uses while Elk and Bigfoot hunting.

Anonymous also included an e-mail from Bristol to her mother, which read:
“thx for inviting levi! he wanted to come but you know how he is when a new xbox game comes out…”